To Gavin......

wow, six months later... lol

so, for those of you who are too lazy to read ALL my posts, way back to the beginning (umm, myself included!), Gavin was basically a childhood friend - although it's always felt like something a bit more special than just that to me. He used to live next-door, but he moved away when we were about 6 and i haven't seen him now in over 10 years - although last summer he 'magically' found me on bebo, and seemed just as eager to keep in contact with me as i was to keep in contact with him.
Anyway, i was talking him to on MSN last night - we only chat every few months - and this afternoon, well, i was missing him a bit, as i sometimes do (wow, 10 years, a long time to keep missing someone, huh?), and i just felt like writing this (oh, and if for whatever random reason Gavin mysteriously reads this blog and realises it's about him (might be kinda difficult, since i don't even use my real name), um.... it's all in your imagination, okay?!):

To Gavin....

I IM'd you 'happy christmas' on MSN last night, just when you were about to IM me. I could tell even without you mentioning it, because a message came back the second I hit 'enter', an incomprehensible or incomplete 'st'. Thing is, it wasn't as if I didn't give you time to write first,or anything. I mean, I saw that you had just signed in by the little musical box that popped up in the corner of my screen, and, well, I had my usual reaction - a little smile, a little happy feeling, a little sadness and longing, a little futile reach out to you... And as usual, I hoped you would write, and you didn't. A minute or so later maybe, I'm not sure, but definitely not sooner than that, I thought that maybe I could write you 'happy christmas', that should be ok, acceptable, it was this time of year, people do this, right? I deliberated about it for another few minutes, will I, won't I, should I? What would your reaction be if I did? I mean, sure, you would chat, but would it be minimal and would you feel annoyed for my initiation of contact? I didn't, and don't, know how you feel about me. Oh, sure, I have my hopes and wishes, but that's all they are - hopes and wishes... Am I simply an old childhood friend to you, who you happenned to come accross, or have you ever thought about there being one day something a little more there.....?
So anyway, I eventually decided to go for it, to say 'happy christmas', so I opened up my MSN, double-clicked on your name, and brought up the conversation screen. I typed my message - 'hey, happy christmas!' - and my finger hovered nervously over the 'enter' key. Was it too cheery? Too cheesy? Did you want to hear from me, or did you just add me last summer to be nice?
The mystery of the unknown, trying to protecting one's feelings, unsure of one's self, wanting with all your heart but afraid to reach out and try.....
But I pressed the buton. Instantly I felt a little jolt of regret - or fear - that it 'looks stupid!' or 'he doesn't want to talk to me! what am I dooing?!' And then almost instantly again, way too soon for you to have typed any sort of reply, a message came back from you - 'st'. I was a little confused, and in the second or two before your next, explanitary message came through, I contemplated asking you what you meant. Perhaps you didn't mean to send it to me at all, perhaps you were talking to someone else but it sent to me instead. But before I was able to even bring the cursor down to the message box, your next message came up - 'I was just about to type to you! :) '
You seemed so happy to see me.....
I don't know that you can imagine the 'warm and fuzzy' jolt of joy and happiness that coursed through me then - pathetic and sad as it sounds, I miss you... And lacking anyone else to focus my affections on, and given my weakness for anything sentimental or with any links at all to my childhood... Well, I only know what I feel... Pathetic as that may be.
So why had you waited a few minutes before messaging me? I mean, you knew straight away that I was online too, and you did message me after a few minutes. Does your computer automatically sign you in, and you were off getting something? Were you in the middle of writing a huge long message when I cut you off?! Or was it something else...? Were you deliberating, like me...? Well, there's no harm in wishing.....
And as for you not wanting to talk to me, well, I could hardly get a word in edgeways - you type so fast! I'm going to mention that next time...
So we had our conversation, and it was happy... and then you stopped. You just suddenly stopped replying. You had asked me what I got for christmas, and I had taken a bit longer than usual to answer because I'd gone into the kitchen to get something to eat, and when I answered, and returned the question to you... Nothing. MSN said your status was 'away' (rather than actually 'offline'). So I don't know what happened. I guess I never will.

As I said, I miss you Gavin. I don't distinctly know why I feel these things, we haven't seen each other in over 10 years, the last time I heard from you before you 'found' me last summer on bebo was a Valentine's Day card sent shortly after you moved away. I only know that I missed you and felt this way before we 'found' each other in cyberspace, and no matter what your excuse was as to how you found me (given that that particular way isn't acutally possible...!), the fact that you did means you were looking for me, and that you remembered me, too. We have something, however small. I can feel it. We've renewed our contact for a reason. Our friendship wasn't ready to be over......

So i guess this makes me sad and pathetic, right? Go figure....
He was online again earlier, but I don't know when I'll talk to him again... We only chat every couple of months... It could be the summer. That's just how this works.

see you soon (...ish...!) and happy new year (almost!)!
xxx