the morning after

i wasn't going to, i really wasn't
and then just as i was about to go to bed i passed my mother in the hall and she genuinely acted as if nothing had happened, and it just set me off again
but i didn't do as much as i thought i would....
and i regreted it almost as soon as i had finished....
that's something, i guess....

xxx

help....

I know that if I were to take my tweezers and scratch at the skin on my wrist until it began to break, it would not hurt as much as it should. I know I said I’d never self-harm again, but I never in my life imagined I could feel like this. And it’s not the same as last time, last time I was just sad and crying and I didn’t know why; but this time I am psychotic and hysteric and almost sick and laughing and screaming and hyperventilating and my parents just dragged me upstairs to my room and I went completely limp and my mother just slapped me to try and snap me out of it and when she threatened to call the doctor I nodded and when they lay me on my bedroom floor I drooled on the carpet, and this has only happened to me once before in my entire memory, and that was only a few months ago, and my mother didn’t even see most of that because she was busy watching t.v. because she didn’t understand and she never understands, and my father was in another room patiently comforting me because he did understand what was wrong - and yet just now, I heard my brother ask my mother what was wrong with me, and she answered, ‘She’s just being herself.’ I almost got sick when I heard that. Writing this had been helping, the urge to take up those tweezers had been lessening and lessening and then I heard her say that and it all came flooding back, and it’s still faintly there, and my wrist looks and feels white and pristine and whole and expectant.....

xxx

Italian guys are crap kissers...

So here's the thing. I just got back from a school trip to Italy, and on our last night, Valentine's night in fact, we went to this place called Club Electric in Florence. So yeah. Club + Italian guys = happy times, right? Well, in theory. Actually, this is pretty pathetic. Yes, i did get off with a guy - and might I use this chance to say that the depressing thing is that I'm freakin' 17 and that was my first kiss?! Random italian stranger, who stank of smoke, btw (and I am about as anti-smoking as you could get, so that, coupled with the fact that he was NOT, in any way, hot, shows just how desperate I was...) Also, he seemed old.... like in his 20s or something (the age limit in the club was supposed to be 25 I think...), and that kinda freaked me out.....
And it was pretty gross. I mean, of course, you get all these thoughts running through your head, like, 'is it me, is it my fault?' and 'seriously, is that it, was I just hyping it up too much?', but then you hear pretty much every girl (because there were that many horny guys there, nobody got left out) saying that their guys had been crap too, and, well, it kind of gives you some hope for the next time....
And I do remember some random moments, like at the start suddenly realising/thinking to myself something like, 'Huh. His tongue's been in my mouth for like the last 5 minutes. I should probably do something...', or when I suddenly found myself with my eyes open thinking, 'well this is pretty boring...' - and then I saw my teachers over his shoulder so I kind of freaked out and left (not that I stayed very long, it really wasn't great). It was funny in a way, because I kind of got dizzy or disorientated or something (and no, I wasnt drunk, I hadn't touched a drop of alcohol; I never do), and I wasn't really sure what was going on and I was kind of doing things without noticing what I was doing, and yet I was still able to make these totally random observations.... screw being a woman and being able to think about 5 million things at once!!
So yeah, that's about it. Random, I know, and probably more than you wanted to hear...!

On another note, I should probably say that one of my dogs died the night before I went to Italy..........
She was pretty sick, but I guess she was doing ok, and then that morning she just woke up really really bad, and by the evening she just gave up............
But I guess it's a good thing she was only really suffering for one day.......
It kind of put a dampner on the first day of my trip, but I don't know if the distraction was good or bad - it distracted my from my sadness, but at the same time, sometimes I feel like a heartless monster for almost forgetting about it so soon............

xxx