And now...
Right now, right at this moment, things aren't so good.
For months, I've been telling my mother not to worry every time she asks me who I'm going to my debs with, every time she gets anxious and says I have to go with someone. I've been telling her it's fine, it's no big deal, loads of my friends are going on their own, and we're all going together as one big group of singles. And I meant it. Yes, I did want to go with someone - someone in particular - but I didn't feel worried or upset that I was going on my own - most of my friends would be the same, and I love that my class is so accepting that it genuinely wouldn't have been an issue.
But then slowly, one by one, my single friends, who had all agreed we'd go alone together, started finding dates.
Some of them, I wasn't too surprised - I pretty much expected it, even though they were all taking dates who were just friends. Others... not so much. A few days before the end of school, when I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that instead of 8-10 of us, there would just be 3 of us going alone together, one of that three decided she was taking someone from the year below us. I am 100% sure her mother talked her into it - her mother is painfully image-conscious, and my friend is ending up taking the son of her mother's friend, who yes, we would both talk to if we happened to be in the same place at the same time, but I wouldn't exactly say we were"friends" (and I know she doesn't have feelings for him).
So then there were two of us left to be going along together. And both of us being girls... Well, just two of us would have been a bit weird. I couldn't exactly do anything about it, but still, it was weird...
And then... A few days ago, that one left single friend came home from Belfast with an almost-boyfriend. And tonight she texted me saying that as long as he could get off work, he was coming to the debs with her.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her, really, she really deserves it, and I would have done exactly the same thing in her situation.
But now... there's just me. I'm going to my debs alone. On my own. And every single one of my friends have dates.
And right now, there's a surging part of me that says I don't want to go, that I can't go and face that humiliation of being the only single girl (and prospectively the only single person) there. Even though I know that I will go, because I don't want to miss my own debs, and I've got my dress, and it's being tailored as we speak, and I feel so beautiful, like a princess, in it...
But what's the use of feeling like a princess if there's never a chance of having a prince.....?
And a large part of me is glad that my family is away for the week, and that I am home alone, so that I can cry without trying to hide it from anyone; and so that it will be longer until the next time my mom asks me if I've got a date yet, so I don't have to lie to her and say that loads of my friends are going on their own, or tell her the only friend left who was has just got a date, and now I'm the only one going on my own, because I don't want to have to face her if she finds that out... It's bad enough with my own feelings about this, without hers adding pressure and making me feel worse...
It's so stupid.
I know that I get way too emotional about guys, way too idealistic... And nothing ever happens...
I'm 19, I've never had a boyfriend, the only time I've ever kissed a guy was a stranger in a club a year and a half ago that I didn't like and never spoke to again.
I never meet guys. I never do anything where I meet new people. I don't know what to do, how to do anything...
And him.
I had to give up. I had to. School is over; besides the debs I'm never going to see him again. I can't spend all summer pining, so I have to just not think about him at all.
He didn't come to sports day, when everyone was passing around their yearbooks. He didn't sign mine, I didn't sign his. I'm not stupid enough to think that there would have been some big crazy teen-Disney-style declaration of love or anything, but I wanted to at least have a lasting 'hi'.
I hoped I would see him a little during the exams, talk to him a little bit. But they had changed the seating arrangements from previous exams, so now neither of us had any reason to be anywhere near the other at any time. Once or twice, I passed him in a hallway. Once or twice, one of my friends said something to him in my presence. I tried to join in the conversation a little, say one or two little words. I wasn't being "quiet" or "shy", but he didn't seem to notice. Or if he did... he ignored me.
So I had to stop. I had to get him out of my head.
I know that he only bought one debs ticket. So I know that he's not taking someone from outside the school, or from a different year. While school was still on, I didn't hear tell of him bringing anyone from our class. But then again... maybe I wouldn't.
It doesn't matter anyway.
He's going off to London in September.
I would have been happy for just that one evening, but it doesn't matter now.
I don't want to be on my own.......
xxx
