help....

I know that if I were to take my tweezers and scratch at the skin on my wrist until it began to break, it would not hurt as much as it should. I know I said I’d never self-harm again, but I never in my life imagined I could feel like this. And it’s not the same as last time, last time I was just sad and crying and I didn’t know why; but this time I am psychotic and hysteric and almost sick and laughing and screaming and hyperventilating and my parents just dragged me upstairs to my room and I went completely limp and my mother just slapped me to try and snap me out of it and when she threatened to call the doctor I nodded and when they lay me on my bedroom floor I drooled on the carpet, and this has only happened to me once before in my entire memory, and that was only a few months ago, and my mother didn’t even see most of that because she was busy watching t.v. because she didn’t understand and she never understands, and my father was in another room patiently comforting me because he did understand what was wrong - and yet just now, I heard my brother ask my mother what was wrong with me, and she answered, ‘She’s just being herself.’ I almost got sick when I heard that. Writing this had been helping, the urge to take up those tweezers had been lessening and lessening and then I heard her say that and it all came flooding back, and it’s still faintly there, and my wrist looks and feels white and pristine and whole and expectant.....

xxx