no rest for the wicked

i think my head is about to explode!!
i've been working on my science essay since lunch time, and its now after 6pm - thats 5 hours! and im not even half finished!! i started out with a pile of information about as long as my arm, but now thankfully its down to 5 pages. it was all pretty much the same stuff, though, just worded differently, so it was an absolute nightmare to try and go through everything and decide first of all which bits i actually needed, and then to try and write it so it actually made sense! imagine wading through piles of information, each bit saying much the same thing but you dont know that until you've read it!! the worst bit is, i've written about almost every aspect of spina bifida i can think of - types, causes, diagnosis, incidence, treatment, life with - and i dont even have 2 pages! the only one i have left to write about is treatment, and even though it looks like i have more information on that than on any other aspect, its hardly goin to take up 2 pages all by itself! if anyone has ideas for what else i could write about then please, leave me a comment before next weekend!!!
with work experience behind me, i now have a week in Cappanalea, Co. Kerry to look forward to. its an outdoor adventure centre where we'll be doin canoeing, abseiling, hill walking, and so on. we're staying in a nice, warm, bathroomed, four-walled and roofed building on monday, tuesday and wednesdy night, but on thursday night we have to camp out. ick. i hate camping. and hilwalking. im not too fond of canoeing either, even though my parents introduced me to it the minute i was able to sit up by myself. i like abseiling though. always been a fan of jumping off huge rocks, although its usually into the water and without a rope. i've always wanted to go abseiling.
i suppose one of the things i'm most looking forward to about going to Cappanalea is seeing my friends again. i know that sounds kind of sad, but when you live in the middle of nowhere and you're shy around new people (eg people you're supposed to be working with), a week can seem like a long time... how the heck do i survive the summers??! but im really a people person at heart, even though its not apparent until i really get to know people - i know that doesnt make any sense, but sometimes a girl really needs her friends, you know? for laughs and stuff. then again, i suppose im talking about one friend in particular - not as a girly friend, though (although sometimes im not entirely sure about that...!). yes, ok, its a guy friend...!
and i adore him, of course. i know, two years ago i never thought i would be the type of person to 'fancy your guy mate'. thats all it is though. unfortunately. not through lack of trying on my part though (another thing i'd never have predicted, me being the shy-ish type of person i am and all...). i was flirting with him like mad at the halloween disco last year, and even though he didn't say anything directly the next day he seemed quieter than usual, and pensive - something he's definatly not usually - he even walked to school on his own, instead of with me and my friend, something he has never done in the whole three and a bit years we've been walking to school together - there was definatly something on his mind that day...!
and then at the Valentine's disco back in February of this year i plucked up enough courage to get my friends to ask him to score with me - i know, it doesnt exactly sound so courageous if its just my friends who were asking him for me, but i dont think even my very closest friends know how dificult that kind of thing is for me (as you may have guessed, i have serious self-confidence issues). anyway, he said no, and obviously i was upset, but then one of his other friends said he didn't think i would go out with him anyway. so consequentially, my head was so completely messed up. i avoided him for a few days, and i tried for the whole easter break (the following two weeks) to get over him, but after being back in school with him for a week i realised it was just not mentally possible for me to do that. as cliched as it may sound, i really have never felt like this about anyone... and i really never thought i'd be the kind of person to say something like that!!
this tangled story has a lot of issues to go with it - including a life-long best friend (with tangled issues herself), and a really horrible bitchy slut who joined our school last year and who i have to pretend to be friends with (then again, she's pretending too - its kind of like a modern Cold War, only worse...)
well i really want to keep going (honestly, i really do...!) but unfortunately, my rucksack's not going to pack itself. i guess i wont see you until next friday night, so i hope i'll have some good news for you by then!
ciao for now
xxx