i think this will be a rather serious post.......
i metioned this very briefly in my last post. i wanted to write about it properly, but the moment has passed - it occured exactly a week ago, and that's too long ago for me to write about it properly with real feeling. i would leave it out altogether, but i feel as if its something i should write about.
basicly, i was having a pretty bad day last monday. well, to be honest, it had been building up all weekend. everything seemed to be going wrong, although i couldn't tell you specific things. i guess i was just going through a bad patch. but it really was a bad patch. things seemed to be going especially bad that monday evening. again, i couldn't really tell you what exactly, but almost everything that happened was making me break down and cry. not that i let on to my family, that is, i just bit my lip and held it inside. that evening after dinner the whole family was watching tv together - something we never do, but it was neccessary that night for reasons that aren't important now. i went out into the hall to do something, something that was actually driving me nuts, but i had to keep working at it or i felt that i would burst into tears - and by the way, i know this is sounding just like overactive hormones or whatever, but trust me, they have never, ever been this bad. anyway, i was in the hall working on this thing to keep myself sane, but eventually i just couldn't stand it anymore. there happened to be a cushion on the floor (don't ask why) and i just lay there and started sobbing quietly so the rest of my family couldn't hear me. i lay there for a good while, actually, but then i finally got up and went upstairs to have a shower. the shower didn't cure me though, so when i got back to my room i put on my Avril Lavigne CD ("Under my Skin"). i've had it for about 6 years, i'd say, but that music is still as depressing as it ever was - i hadn't listened to it in about four years, it truely is my sad music. anyway, i was sitting there, on my bed, with music playing in my room and my family all watching tv downstairs, and so no-one could hear me. after a minute or two i felt the sadness wash over me again, like i knew it would, and broke down into sobs once more. by the second song on the album i coulddn't even sit up anymore, and so i was lying down on my side on my bed, with my hair still wet and a damp towel still around me. im not sure exactly when my carefully controlled tears turned into gasping, heaving sobs, but they did. sometime in the middle of all this i looked down at my bare, still damp arm underneath me, and hated it. i'm not proud of it, but i was so repulsed and upset and generally not even thinking straight that i started hitting it, hitting it as hard as i could, with all my strength. i wanted a bruise, something to not let me forget about it. i felt if i closed my eyes and didn't see myself do it, then it didn't hurt. i was literally putting every ounce of strength in my body behind those punches; by the end of the album i didn't even have to close my eyes, i was so far gone i couldn't even feel them. i was using as much force as X had used on me that day in Cappanalea, if not more. i know it sounds so crazy stupid, but i really wanted to have a bruise, just so i myself could see it. by the time the album was halfway through its second run i was beginning to calm down just enough to know that i had to get it together enough that my parents wouldn't be suspicious when they came up to bed. by the time my mum stuck her head around the door to tell me to turn my music down, my swollen eyes just looked tired and she didn't question me.
i didn't have a bruise the next morning (it was on my inner forearm; a word of warning to anyone - you don't bruise there) but it did hurt the second i put any pressure on it, or even just folded my arms, for the next two or three days - perhaps even more than a bruise. and the worst thing was, i didn't even really regret it...
before you tell me, i know what i did was really, really stupid. the only time i ever did something like it was about two years ago, again only one night, when i delibrately scratched my wrists a few times - just with my fingernails though, and not really very hard.
i'm not the kind of person who self-harms.
i love my life, and i wouldn't give it up for anything.
i never plan to do that again, so please, don't worry. it was just a moment of weakness. i was having a bad day, going through a bad patch. i just needed that one little release.
i promise.
xxx
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Friday 2 November 2007
What Katy Did Next...
i know i havn't written in a while, but i've been, um, busy... well no, i havn't, i've just been reading lots of fanfics from my favourite books, but i needed a break tonight. one day when i really do have nothing to do and when i have proper access to the computer for a proper length of time i will start talking about all the threads i mentioned in passing in all my past posts (including this one, i'm afraid!). although that will probably take more than one post! but i'll do my best.
i guess i told you everything of real importance during my trip in my last post, except for one thing. this thing will need a bit of background, though. well, i'm giving it some anyway whether it needs it or not! there is a guy - lets call him X. i metioned him every so slightly in my last post - he's the guy who 'thinks he's our friend'. i guess this is where it gets kind of complicated. in 1st year, none of my friends (or me, just in case you were wondering) were 'friends' with him or generally wanted anything to do with him. every chance he got he would come up to me, telling me another guy, a freak (i know that's really harsh, but this is how i have to tell it), wanted to have sex with me and asking me to score with that guy (that guy has since left our school, just so you know). he also fancied my friend (well to be honest, we'll never know if that was true or not, it's a suspiscion he was only doing that for attention or to get at us, but anyway...) and he would follower her around and drive her mental and annoy her in every way possible for the whole year. i can't really remember what he was like in 2nd year, but eventually he 'got over her' (and yes, ok, i am the kind of person who would say in response to that "when was he under her.....?!" (only around my friends though... they know what i'm like!)). but then in third year a little bitch i am deciding to call Y showed up in our year (i will have to tell you all about her, but that's for an entirely other day). she decided she was friends with X, and all of a sudden he was part of our group. this was at the start of the year, i should explain, before we knew her 'true colours'. anyway - she knew, from listening to us, how much we didn't like him, but she still went ahead and invited him into our circle, and there he has stayed. thinking back over it now makes me come up with the thought: "i bet it was a conspiracy of her's right from the beginning...!" haha. we say: "go away X, we don't like you!" (harsh though it may seem, nothing seems to affect that guy. that sure didn't.) her defense: "well he's my friend!" so, our 'friend' he stayed. although, in all fairness, we are a very accomodating bunch of people, so in our group he stayed. and truthfully, by now, we would really all consider him a friend, although none of us would ever say it out loud (especially not where he could hear us!! and that's not totally due to his tendency to get big-headed and never let things drop!)
so, um, yeah, that was the background! sorry, i tend to run away with myself a lot! anyway, the main things i wanted to say about this X are these: firstly, when we were in Cappannalea one evening, me and X were sitting on one side of a table playing cards with my friend and Andrew respectively. i can't remember why, but for some reason X was trying to get me to push over i think, and i wouldn't. anyway, he started ramming his chair up against mine. i started hitting at him, but in a relatively friendly way, when all of a sudden he elbowed me really hard in my upper arm (i think i have a pressure point there, because it always really hurts when someone so much as pokes me there!). i know what you're thinking, "yeah right, really hard, but i'm deadly serious. i woke up the next morning with a huge bruise - and not only was it huge, it was the kind of bruise i only get when i fall down the stairs badly (yes, i do fall down the stairs a lot... ours are really slippy when you're in socks!!). so yes, X did hit me really hard. he hit me with the kind of strength you only apply when you really want to hurt someone. and i mean really hurt them. and for once, i'm not exaggerating. (it was the kind of strength i used the other night when... i was going to tell you tonight, but i won't have time. the next time...).
the worst thing was, he was proud of this bruise. he told me so himself! repeatedly! (granted, it was only after i had shown him (that was not a dirty phrase!!!!!)). which kind of brings me to my second point, i think. a week or so ago, our school had a disco (which it does every so often, seeing as how its so nice and all...). anyway, even though i will never tell him he's right, X knows i like Andrew. don't ask me how; this is something i will touch on when i tell you about Y, i think. except that at the disco, every time i started dancing near to Andrew (i know what you're probably thinking now, but i have worthwhile explainations which will come at a later stage...) X would intervene by coming in between us. now, i don't know how much guys talk to each other, maybe he was doing this for Andrew, by my conscience started to tell me otherwise. and i was not liking this one little bit. i mean come on, this is X!! which brings me to quite a freaky possible-but hopefully COMPLETELY UNTRUE-maybe-but i hope not!!!!....thing (i was going to say realisation but that is just not right!). when i saw X dan... no, sorry, i can't even say it here!! i just kind of looked at him and though, god, if he weren't so annoying and if he didn't drive me mad so much i could even......... (this was immediately followed by) NO!!!!!! sorry, it's really too wierd!! and no, just to let you know, the annoyance is not the kind that is really me in denial and at the end of the day it turns out that i like him really. by brain automatically analyses things like that both about me and about other people, and i assure you, it's not like that. but still.. the second i get back to school (i'm on mid term break at the moment) i have to say to him: "annoy me. now. PLEASE!!!" i have to get out of this kind of mind! it will kill me!! and i'm not just saying that!!!!
sorry for that liitle rant just there...! i just had to kind of get it off my chest. or something. and he hit me!!!!!
anyway...!
i kind of have to go now. what with it being really late here and all (or early. whichever way you want to look at it...!)
bye..........
xxx
i guess i told you everything of real importance during my trip in my last post, except for one thing. this thing will need a bit of background, though. well, i'm giving it some anyway whether it needs it or not! there is a guy - lets call him X. i metioned him every so slightly in my last post - he's the guy who 'thinks he's our friend'. i guess this is where it gets kind of complicated. in 1st year, none of my friends (or me, just in case you were wondering) were 'friends' with him or generally wanted anything to do with him. every chance he got he would come up to me, telling me another guy, a freak (i know that's really harsh, but this is how i have to tell it), wanted to have sex with me and asking me to score with that guy (that guy has since left our school, just so you know). he also fancied my friend (well to be honest, we'll never know if that was true or not, it's a suspiscion he was only doing that for attention or to get at us, but anyway...) and he would follower her around and drive her mental and annoy her in every way possible for the whole year. i can't really remember what he was like in 2nd year, but eventually he 'got over her' (and yes, ok, i am the kind of person who would say in response to that "when was he under her.....?!" (only around my friends though... they know what i'm like!)). but then in third year a little bitch i am deciding to call Y showed up in our year (i will have to tell you all about her, but that's for an entirely other day). she decided she was friends with X, and all of a sudden he was part of our group. this was at the start of the year, i should explain, before we knew her 'true colours'. anyway - she knew, from listening to us, how much we didn't like him, but she still went ahead and invited him into our circle, and there he has stayed. thinking back over it now makes me come up with the thought: "i bet it was a conspiracy of her's right from the beginning...!" haha. we say: "go away X, we don't like you!" (harsh though it may seem, nothing seems to affect that guy. that sure didn't.) her defense: "well he's my friend!" so, our 'friend' he stayed. although, in all fairness, we are a very accomodating bunch of people, so in our group he stayed. and truthfully, by now, we would really all consider him a friend, although none of us would ever say it out loud (especially not where he could hear us!! and that's not totally due to his tendency to get big-headed and never let things drop!)
so, um, yeah, that was the background! sorry, i tend to run away with myself a lot! anyway, the main things i wanted to say about this X are these: firstly, when we were in Cappannalea one evening, me and X were sitting on one side of a table playing cards with my friend and Andrew respectively. i can't remember why, but for some reason X was trying to get me to push over i think, and i wouldn't. anyway, he started ramming his chair up against mine. i started hitting at him, but in a relatively friendly way, when all of a sudden he elbowed me really hard in my upper arm (i think i have a pressure point there, because it always really hurts when someone so much as pokes me there!). i know what you're thinking, "yeah right, really hard, but i'm deadly serious. i woke up the next morning with a huge bruise - and not only was it huge, it was the kind of bruise i only get when i fall down the stairs badly (yes, i do fall down the stairs a lot... ours are really slippy when you're in socks!!). so yes, X did hit me really hard. he hit me with the kind of strength you only apply when you really want to hurt someone. and i mean really hurt them. and for once, i'm not exaggerating. (it was the kind of strength i used the other night when... i was going to tell you tonight, but i won't have time. the next time...).
the worst thing was, he was proud of this bruise. he told me so himself! repeatedly! (granted, it was only after i had shown him (that was not a dirty phrase!!!!!)). which kind of brings me to my second point, i think. a week or so ago, our school had a disco (which it does every so often, seeing as how its so nice and all...). anyway, even though i will never tell him he's right, X knows i like Andrew. don't ask me how; this is something i will touch on when i tell you about Y, i think. except that at the disco, every time i started dancing near to Andrew (i know what you're probably thinking now, but i have worthwhile explainations which will come at a later stage...) X would intervene by coming in between us. now, i don't know how much guys talk to each other, maybe he was doing this for Andrew, by my conscience started to tell me otherwise. and i was not liking this one little bit. i mean come on, this is X!! which brings me to quite a freaky possible-but hopefully COMPLETELY UNTRUE-maybe-but i hope not!!!!....thing (i was going to say realisation but that is just not right!). when i saw X dan... no, sorry, i can't even say it here!! i just kind of looked at him and though, god, if he weren't so annoying and if he didn't drive me mad so much i could even......... (this was immediately followed by) NO!!!!!! sorry, it's really too wierd!! and no, just to let you know, the annoyance is not the kind that is really me in denial and at the end of the day it turns out that i like him really. by brain automatically analyses things like that both about me and about other people, and i assure you, it's not like that. but still.. the second i get back to school (i'm on mid term break at the moment) i have to say to him: "annoy me. now. PLEASE!!!" i have to get out of this kind of mind! it will kill me!! and i'm not just saying that!!!!
sorry for that liitle rant just there...! i just had to kind of get it off my chest. or something. and he hit me!!!!!
anyway...!
i kind of have to go now. what with it being really late here and all (or early. whichever way you want to look at it...!)
bye..........
xxx
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