Sunshine and happy pills

Or maybe sunshine IS happy pills...
so i've actually been feeling happy the last 3 days
it's completely out of the blue, and i feel as if i'm completely unaccustomed to it - but hey, i'm not going to complain! it's a nice relief to have... and i'm not letting myself dwell for any length of time on subjects that could bring me down, because i really, really want this to last.
and almost exactly in conjunction with my sudden, unexpected happy streak, the sun has finally made an appearance - and i don't just mean it's not raining, i mean yesterday and today my friends and i actually sat outside at lunch time, something we haven't done since the beginning of last september! and if you try and ingore the breeze, it even almost feels pleasantly warm, for this time of year at least.
and i haven't just been 'happy'. i've been talkative, and giddy, and 'in a weird mood', and god knows what else, for the last three days - and god only knows why! it's something i can't understand - although it hadn't crossed my mind until just this afternoon, i hadn't even considered the existance of the 'winter blues' - i'm not saying that was what was going on, but it does seem as though the sun finally coming out has cheered me up, well, rather considerably.
so it would seem, if my hopes can be granted, that this summer might just be a slightly happier time than i might have forseen (that is, of course, bearing in mind that i'm steering away from thinking of things that might bring me down, such as having to get a job this summer, which would mean i am no longer a 'child' that gets 'cared for', and also, that either way, this is the last summer where i can really feel like a 'child', off on my three months of carefree, void of responsibilities, summer holidays...)

xxx

i shouldn't feel like this...

I now know that I am in a very bad place. A bad, bad place. I was upset by something, in somewhat the same category as last time, and although I didn’t throw a hissy fit or shout and scream or anything, my only thought as I stood at the open door looking out into the windy, misty drizzle was that I wanted to slash my wrists open. I didn’t - I just stood there, and looked out, for a long time, with silent tears running down my face - but this time, it wasn’t the fear of the stinging while healing that stopped me - I couldn’t care less about that this time - but the fear of what my parents’ reactions would be when they found out - anger, making me feel embarrassed, and so on.
I know that I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. They are not right thoughts to have. I am not yet so far gone that I can’t realize that there’s something wrong here. But I don’t know what to do about it. I am rational enough to know that this kind of thing should end up with the help of a psychiatrist; but I can’t talk to my parents and..... I’m scared. It is a terrifying thought to think that I could be ill like this, to think that I could be ill enough to need something like that. Which I guess means I would need to fix it myself..... but it’s just so terrifying a thought to think there could be something needing fixing. I will have to ‘nip it in the bud’, as they say, before it’s gone too far, before it gets serious, before I go past the point of wanting it fixed.....
But I don’t know how..... And the idea that this could be happening is so unbelievably terrifying, I don’t know what to do.....
Help.....

xxx