i shouldn't feel like this...

I now know that I am in a very bad place. A bad, bad place. I was upset by something, in somewhat the same category as last time, and although I didn’t throw a hissy fit or shout and scream or anything, my only thought as I stood at the open door looking out into the windy, misty drizzle was that I wanted to slash my wrists open. I didn’t - I just stood there, and looked out, for a long time, with silent tears running down my face - but this time, it wasn’t the fear of the stinging while healing that stopped me - I couldn’t care less about that this time - but the fear of what my parents’ reactions would be when they found out - anger, making me feel embarrassed, and so on.
I know that I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. They are not right thoughts to have. I am not yet so far gone that I can’t realize that there’s something wrong here. But I don’t know what to do about it. I am rational enough to know that this kind of thing should end up with the help of a psychiatrist; but I can’t talk to my parents and..... I’m scared. It is a terrifying thought to think that I could be ill like this, to think that I could be ill enough to need something like that. Which I guess means I would need to fix it myself..... but it’s just so terrifying a thought to think there could be something needing fixing. I will have to ‘nip it in the bud’, as they say, before it’s gone too far, before it gets serious, before I go past the point of wanting it fixed.....
But I don’t know how..... And the idea that this could be happening is so unbelievably terrifying, I don’t know what to do.....
Help.....

xxx