Re-capping

No, I didn't go on my own. Or with Him.
I was resisting, and worrying, and resisting, and worrying. And then my mom brought the subject up AGAIN, and kept at it, and I got mad, and I was stuck with her on a boat with nowhere to go away by myself and hide, and no way to stop myself thinking about it.
Whatever.
Either way, it gave me enough of a kick in the face to get me to snap the hell out of whatever pathetic bubble I thought I was living in, waiting for - and how the hell was I thinking that it was going to happen? - the "romantic" Disney ending that I swore last blog I wasn't stupid or pathetic enough to expect. Made me grit my teeth and swear to God I would never let my pussy of a brain go there again.
And I managed to remember that there WAS a friend, in the year below us, that I COULD ask. And thank God the late notice wasn't too late for him.

And of course, I did spend a portion of the evening stealing furtive glances at Him, trying to ascertain whether he was there on his own or not. I let myself, knowing it would be the last time I would see him. I'm relatively sure he was dateless...
He spent very little time on the dancefloor. And from what I could see, very little time even in the room. If he was outside at the bar, he wasn't drinking - he's still underage (just), and they gave out wristbands based on very rigorous ID checks.
And he didn't speak to me, or look at me, even once. Even when my drunk friend, who was next to me, forced him to dance with her. I Had thought we were close enough acquaintances for a simple 'hi', at least...

And then yesterday, we got our exam results. Went in to school to get them. Saw him again, walking out after getting his, while I was standing with my friends, whom he would also talk to. Was half expecting him to come over just to ask what I got in biology - kind of a running gag between us; after every class test he would always ask me what I got, we always tried to beat each other, but I usually won by 1 or 2 percent. Though the last month or two, he stopped asking completely... - but he didn't. He didn't look upset with his results, so maybe he was just going to tell fill his mom in straight away, but then he walked past us again later, and still didn't stop. I mean, even people who we would never really have spoken to would have least asked quickly, in passing, how we got on... And then lastly, he drove slowly past me, didn't even blink in recognition.
What happened to all our happy little conversations...?

But now he's going to London. For sure. And I'm staying here.
I will Never see him again. So for me he no longer exists. Never existed.

I'm focusing on the future. My future. Trying with all my might not to think about the scary parts. Which is pretty much all of it. Maybe I'm just focusing on the present.
Don't think about the scary bits.

xxx