Why doesn't he think I'm pretty?

That was a rhetorical question, by the way. It's because I'm not, particularly, but that's (kind of) besides the question.

And I'd like to note the "he" in that question. Any confusion I felt last year (really almost a year ago?), was exactly as I thought, just that - Confusion. The kind that according to all the pre-teen magazines happens when you're 12-13-14 years old. Whatever. I guess I'm developmentally delayed or something.

But I digress.

So there's this guy at college. For the last two or three weeks, I've been seeing him everywhere. In the canteen, in a lecture (basically the only lecture I have that's with students other than the 20-odd girls doing my course), in the library... One day a week, it seems as if we practically have the same schedule. Like clockwork, we're both in the canteen at the same time, then in the afternoon I see him in that lecture, then that evening we're both in the library studying. I see him everywhere. And I'm not going to shy away from the back that yes, I do think he's attractive. Not "classically hot", but sometimes I wonder if my emotions are going into self defence mode and encouraging me to be attracted to people who are lower down, so I can fool myself into thinking there's at least some chance.


Anyway.
Last week, I was (not on purpose; it was genuinely the only table free) sitting opposite him (or so I thought) in the library. Then suddenly "he" is walking behind me and takes a seat at the table across from me (where books and notes had been left) and "continues" working. But "he" is still opposite me. My mind immediately went to: Twins?! I couldn't check for sure since I couldn't see the face of the boy sitting opposite me (there are dividers on the tables), and because while I see him frequently, it's never for more than a few seconds, so I couldn't be 100% that the first boy I saw (who was sitting opposite me) was in fact the person I thought I had been seeing everywhere, as opposed to someone who just looked a little similar. But the suggestion was certainly in my mind that this "person" could in fact be two people. Which would somewhat explain the frequency with which I was seeing him/them.

But during the week, I kept thinking I saw him (or them), only to realise about half the time that it was in fact just someone who looked vaguely similar. So I began to question my initially strong assumption that it was twins. Maybe I really was just seeing this one boy everywhere.
BUT then today, in the lecture we both have, I saw him walking towards a seat in the front of the lecture hall and sitting down. And that was all fine. Then I blinked, and saw him coming in the main door "again", wearing a different colour shirt, and going to find another seat (which also happened, coincidentally, to be in the front of the hall, but I don't think this is important). So all of a sudden, I was almost positive once again that it was twins (again, I couldn't make myself 100% sure, as I hadn't concentrated enough on the "first" person to be 100% sure if he looked the same. The "second" person definitely looked like the person/people I've been seeing everywhere).

So now I don't know if:
- There's identical twins.
- There's non-identical twins.
- There's one person who I keep seeing, but a couple of people who look similar to him (and to figure this one out, I will be looking long and hard at each person I think is the person I see everywhere. I've come up with a close enough description that I think will allow me to be 100% if it's the person/one of the identical twins (if it is/they are)).


But that's the background information.

Whenever I see him (or them, if it's twins, but for the purpose of clarity I'm just going to refer to "him" for the rest of this entry), or most of the time at least, disregarding the fact that yes, I of course look at/notice him, *he* frequently seems to look in my direction and it's as if he notices me... It's not a "longing stare" or anything - God no - but in some way, without him really reacting (other than looking at me, and I'm serious, it really looks like he's noticing me rather than abstractly seeing through me - though it's not like he gives a "sign" or something stupid like that), I just have this feeling that yes, he recognises that he keeps coming across me everywhere just like I keep coming across him.
I don't know how to explain it.
But the "feeling" that tells me that is coming from my communication analytical brain rather than my emotional response centre...

ANYWAY.
Today, I saw him in the canteen. I don't think he saw me then. This afternoon, I saw him in the lecture we both have (as I described already). I think he saw me then. It's hard to tell, because I was sitting quite far away from him and there were a lot of people, and it would realistically make more sense if he didn't see me, but again, I just got the sense that he did.

Then this evening, I was walking between shelves in the library towards where the tables are, and I looked up to see him walking towards me. I was 100% sure it was the same person as the "second" person I saw coming into the lecture, partially from newly internalised "description", but mostly because he was wearing the same colour shirt. The space was not so narrow that we would have to "squeeze" past each other, but narrow enough that we would be about one foot away from each other when we passed. It would be the closest physically we had ever been.
And here's where I met my first problem. I have always had issues around looking at people I am attracted to. In school, naturally, I would spend about 90% of the time the person was looking in the other direction, looking at them. Since starting college, I literally have not had that opportunity. And since "getting caught looking" (I'm sure) didn't help any during school, I found myself now with the dilemma - what kind of "looking at this person" do I do as I pass him? Should I portray my shy self and just not make any eye contact, go past him quickly and, if he ever had any wondering, give him the impression that I really am not interested in him? Should I risk the (realistically dangerous) assumption that he has definitely been noticing we keep seeing each other everywhere, and make brief (or longer) eye contact, with a little smirk to indicate amusement that "here we are again, both in the same place at the same time"? At this point, I couldn't even remember what I "usually" do when I pass someone - male or female - in a corridor like that. My instinct tells me I look at them as little as possible, and rarely make eye contact.
But while I'm too shy to do the second suggestion, I didn't want to cut off any hint of a possibility (my ridiculous romanticism/fantastical tiny nuggets of thoughts sparked by the feeling that yes, he was noticing me). So I did make brief eye contact with him as I passed, but that was all - a compromise between the two, if you will. And thinking back over it now, I guess that *is* a smidgen more special that how I "look at" "regular" people when I pass them like that.

But now back to the question at hand.

I don't know what I was expecting, to be honest. I guess I was thinking that he might make some sort of smirk, or something, confirming the feeling I've had most times I see him that he's been noticing me, and not in an annoyed way or anything particularly like that. I always assume that people I am attracted to are multiple times more outgoing than me.
He didn't.
I guess he made brief eye contact or something, like I did, but that was all. Which is totally normal, obviously. It's ridiculous that a little part of me was kind of expecting more. Nothing like he even vaguely recognised me, nothing to even remotely suggest that I was anything other than a brand new, anonymous face seen for both the first and last time among a sea of students.

Part of me tells me I need to control the fantastical/romantic side of me or I'll end up AGAIN like summer 2010, when I came too close to not having a date for my debs.

But then the other part of me points me in the direction of my last post, and tells me that if this is the only way I can have hope, to cling onto it for the next few years, because even if, in my current situation, there's no way anything will ever happen, I need to trick myself into thinking I have hope. Even if it means a let down, that might crush me at the time, it's better than the alternative. Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.


And when I saw his face, close up, for the first time...
It was beautiful...........

xxx