Mid-term Break

--yes, i'm aware that's the title of a rather depressing seamus heaney poem that always makes my mother cry, especially at the lines "...a four foot box, A foot for every year.", but its the only heading i could come up with.

RE:the guy at the lifegurading course (i passed, by the way!) - i miss him..........
i really felt like we had some sort of connection, besides the fact that i talked to him not only more than the other guys on the course, but more than any guy i'm not technically 'friends' with (big and complicated, i know, but you get my meaning...). I still remember his eyes - they were so brown (heehee, i've just realised the ties there that i cant say here...!), they were the first thing i noticed, and they were so beautiful (this is the part where i say 'dont laugh!!'). And he seemed to really get along with me, more than the other girl anyway, and more (or in a different way, anyway) than guys have gotten on with me before (and dont even try to make that statement into something obsene!). When the group of us went out together for lunch, we would usually seem to end up talking to each other. And every so often, when we were doing the practical swimming mostly, i think, he would give me this little wave, and i would smile. he didnt do this with the other girl, and the last time he did it, i realised when i smiled that i was smiling with a lot more happiness than i would have expected..! i was upset when all the guys had left before me and the other girl came out of the changing rooms after the test on the last day - i wished i could have at least said goodbye, to all of them in fact (i actually saw one of them a week or two ago at a hockey match, but that really doesnt bear much significance with me). i knew the guy's last name, so i looked him up on bebo that evening and found his page. i was a little bit nervous about adding him as a friend - i didn't know what his reaction would be; did he expect us never to have contact again?, but eventually i just added him anyway. When he eventually went online and accepted me as a friend, i was a bit surprised he hadnt replied to the comment i'd left him - which, being me, i was already getting nervous about - i felt as if my persona was different online, and i didnt want him to know that me, i wanted him to know the real me, somthing right now i feel only my friends know. that bit's actually quite amazing to me, i usually relish the chance to flirt with them a little bit online, i would get embarrassed if it was face to face. but it seemed i felt this guy was different. a casual chatting-on-bebo relationship wasnt what i wanted, i wanted him in person, even just to talk to - and let me tell you, that really did surprise me. but anyway, that part of things either seems a little hazy in my mind, or it't too hard to explain, but either way... As i was confused about him not answering my comment (and also because i wanted to find out what his persona was like on bebo), i decided to (yes i know it's kind of mean... or something like that...) do a bit of 'snooping'. It was then that i found out he hadnt replied to any of the comments that showed up on his page (which went back many many weeks, i can tell you), except perhaps one person, whose profile was private so i couldnt check - her comments were the only ones which seemed to be regular enough to form one side of a conversation, but as i mentioned, i couldnt see his side of it. all his comments went back so far, it seemed as if people had given up sending him any - and since he didn't reply, i cant say i blame them!

so i guess i'll never see him or talk to him again. well, i may see him once or twice if i'm lucky, because he plays rugby and our schools often play against each other. but that doesnt really make up for anything... i do still kinda miss him, but its not like it was the day or two after the course ended..... :(
a good thing that finally came out of this is some kind of closure: ever since just befire christmas, my head has been confused about my feelings for andrew (hands up if you remember who that is... ya, i didnt think so). basically, the same thing happened at the christmas party as happened on valentine's day last year (read a long way back for this story... i'm pretty sure i told it fully somewhere...), only i hadnt asked my friend to ask him - in fact, when she metioned it, i vhenematly (i have no idea how to spell that!) told her not to. then, in front of him (technically, although he couldnt hear us because of the music) we had our little fight thing (yes, i will explain it at some stage...). but basically, she then asked him, he said no, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. Only this time my after-reaction was different (yes, i do tend to make up phrases sometimes...!). The previous time, i wasnt able to get over him, i either kept making up excuses for him, or decideing he could change his mind over time, or just not thinking about it in the hope that it would sort itself out. i ended up just acting like nothing had ever happend. This time, however, it was different. For many reasons. I spent that night at my friend's sleepover party, with all my friends, so i could cry there (dont say i could, because i couldnt). The next day was the last day before christmas, and i coulnt even look at him. It took weeks, untill almost the end of the christmas holidays, until i was finally able to cry for him. but even then, it was barely anything. from then, and back at school, i found myself feeling unsure about him. did i still feel the same way? i remeber saying (somewhat poetically) to myself on the ski trip 'i love you more now than yesterday, but still not as much as before' (or something like that). But when we came back, i think my feelings were still very very slowly fading. i didnt want to say to my friends that i didnt like him - well, that one friend especially - so i really hoped it wouldnt come up. im still hoping it wont, because i dont want to lie, for my own sanity, but im not quite 100% sure sure what to say... But basically, what i wanted to say, is since meeting the guy at the lifeguarding course (or more importantly, since not seeing him again), i have pretty much almost completely (see, i still dont want to say it, even here) totally kind of (oh come on! just say it!) gotten over him...

i still wish the guy from lifeguarding.....
well...
bye.....
xxx