I Just Called To Say...

Just thought I'd pop in and say hello. I suddenly had the bright idea of downloading a blogging app for my iPod this evening (although this now means I have to password protect my iPod, since the app doesn't let me sign out when I'm done writing), so maybe I'll be blogging more often now....
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Maybe not.
iPod makes the whole thing pretty basic, you know. No italics, no bold, no underline, no colours... Not that I use them much, but sometimes....

On another note...
I'm still utterly confused about him. He's doing something new with his hair at the moment, a little something with the front. I don't know whether it's intentional or not (probably not), but I like it... :) The first tine I saw it, the last day before Easter holidays, I assumed it was missed up from sport or something, but my first thought when I saw it was damn, I want to make his hair look like that...
Something else he said in our little conversation on Monday has been going round my mind a bit... He asked me where I was going to university next year, and I said I was staying in our home city, and when I asked him where he was going he said, 'no, London.' Of course, mind is in severe debate about this sentence. Some part of me says that the 'no' part was just there because that's the way he talks, because I don't know, maybe sometimes he does. Some part of says he just didn't 100% hear/understand the question completely, and that the 'no' was refering to the fact that he was going somewhere different. Some part of me - the female-hormone-filled, time-clock-watching, romaticist part - wants to think thar the 'no' was almost unintentional/subconscious, in that we're going to be in different countries in 5 or 6 months time so no, disappointment, there's no point in starting anything... And then of course there's the part of me that tells this last part to shit the hell up and stop jinxing it, and the other part yelling 'jinx what? There's nothing there to jinx!'......

I hate not knowing things, especially things that other people do know; it's a large part of my personality.... :(

I wonder how the length of this blog compares to that of my others; 1 or 2 fingers is a lot harder and slower than 10...

So long.

xxx

Crossed arms, Open heart

Berating myself for an incident today with my current infatuation (a new one, btw).
Well, it was hardly an 'incident'.
Our teacher had given the class a 10-minute break, so we (all 6 of us) were outside enjoying the rare sunshine. The others were all sitting on the grass, while he and I were standing up, chatting [we're not "friends" friends, but we'd have a chat if we ended up in the same room :)]. I was considering sitting down, but I kind of liked the idea that we were standing, talking to each other, while the others were sitting...... *pulls face*
Anyway, I tend not to know what to do with my hands, so I had my arms crossed out of habit and was slouching a bit (I'm not that tall anyway, and overweight, so this isn't exactly the best idea for me). Every time I realized my arms were crossed I hated myself for it, because I know the kind of vibes it gives out - I'm withdrawn/protective of myself, stay away -, whether they're noticed consciously or subconsciously, and I really don't want to give this guy that message. :( But every time I tried to move them, they just ended up back crossed in front of my chest - I just never know what to do with my hands when they're by my side; I always feel so awkward, no matter how much more confident I've become in the last year or two. So I just couldn't, and I kept my arms crossed, and slouched, and I hated myself for it the whole time I was talking to him, but that was all I could do.

It's crazy, because when I first began to like this guy I felt like I was using him. I had been really into another guy before that (one of his friends, incidentally), and when that guy got a girlfriend I was trying to do everything and anything to forget about him so I wouldn't get sad. This new guy, well, for quite a while I'd been thinking that he might like me, you know, just little things (probably wishful thinking...), so I figured if I liked him, maybe I might even have a chance...
So I basically made myself like him, and I felt so bad about it at the start, knowing that if (ha!) anything ever happened, I would feel so guilty and that I was using him for my own gratification. That was about 4 months ago.
Now, of course, I've really fallen for him, and I don't know if it's because I'm paying more attention, or because there was never anything there, or because things have changed, or whatever, but my 'feeling' that he might like me has so much less grounding than before...

And now I'm so confused!
Sometimes he talks to me, just/specifically me, about random things, and sometimes he ignores me (well, not exactly 'ignores', but he doesn't single me out...), and now I'm just getting confused and frustrated but I can't do anything about it because every time I see him he just makes me smile........

Gah, I wish people, everyone, was easier to read!

xxx

A Better Place

Wow.
I acknowledge that I was in a bad place last year, but it makes me physically sick to read back over all of this and see just how bad it was. And the worst thing is, I have no idea why it was so bad...
I mean, my circumstances aren't any better this year than they were last year - if anything, you could even say they were worse. But I'm so much happier, so much healthier in myself, that I hardly recognise myself in last year's blogs. It's a good thing, for sure, but now my curious mind is divided - on the one hand, I want to forget that those things ever happened, because they make me sick to the core. On the other hand, the budding psychologist and biologist in me is desperate to know how my outlook could have changed so much, without any outside help and with my circumstances, and the catalysts that triggered the feelings before, not having changed one little bit...
Sure, I'm not sickeningly happy all the time, sure, I get a little down now and again, but it only lasts maybe a day, and it's only a little sadness... I guess you could call it "normal" sadness...
My heart is happy now.
I mean, the same negative things still apply to me - my brother's still as much... like he is... as ever; any feelings I have for a guy still go as unrequieted as ever; since that time in Italy over a year ago I haven't had any more than that one first kiss... And there are more negative things: I'm terrified about the future, about "growing up", and the future is so much closer this year than it was last year... I'm stressed about exams that will, literally, decide on the direction of my future... I'm terrified at the thought of starting university without ever having had anything close to a boyfriend, and that (if I get the course I want) I will be in classes full of mostly girls, and I know that I really have close to zero confidence when it comes to guys... And that future is only a few months away...
But I'm still feeling happy. I can't explain it.

I believe I have become more confident. I don't know when it happened, or how it happened, but I will do things now that I couldn't even dream of doing a few years ago without breaking out in a cold sweat and shouting NO!

Whatever has brought this change, well, it's a wonderful thing and I love fate for it.

I'm happy now.

Thank you.

xxx