A Better Place

Wow.
I acknowledge that I was in a bad place last year, but it makes me physically sick to read back over all of this and see just how bad it was. And the worst thing is, I have no idea why it was so bad...
I mean, my circumstances aren't any better this year than they were last year - if anything, you could even say they were worse. But I'm so much happier, so much healthier in myself, that I hardly recognise myself in last year's blogs. It's a good thing, for sure, but now my curious mind is divided - on the one hand, I want to forget that those things ever happened, because they make me sick to the core. On the other hand, the budding psychologist and biologist in me is desperate to know how my outlook could have changed so much, without any outside help and with my circumstances, and the catalysts that triggered the feelings before, not having changed one little bit...
Sure, I'm not sickeningly happy all the time, sure, I get a little down now and again, but it only lasts maybe a day, and it's only a little sadness... I guess you could call it "normal" sadness...
My heart is happy now.
I mean, the same negative things still apply to me - my brother's still as much... like he is... as ever; any feelings I have for a guy still go as unrequieted as ever; since that time in Italy over a year ago I haven't had any more than that one first kiss... And there are more negative things: I'm terrified about the future, about "growing up", and the future is so much closer this year than it was last year... I'm stressed about exams that will, literally, decide on the direction of my future... I'm terrified at the thought of starting university without ever having had anything close to a boyfriend, and that (if I get the course I want) I will be in classes full of mostly girls, and I know that I really have close to zero confidence when it comes to guys... And that future is only a few months away...
But I'm still feeling happy. I can't explain it.

I believe I have become more confident. I don't know when it happened, or how it happened, but I will do things now that I couldn't even dream of doing a few years ago without breaking out in a cold sweat and shouting NO!

Whatever has brought this change, well, it's a wonderful thing and I love fate for it.

I'm happy now.

Thank you.

xxx