Crossed arms, Open heart

Berating myself for an incident today with my current infatuation (a new one, btw).
Well, it was hardly an 'incident'.
Our teacher had given the class a 10-minute break, so we (all 6 of us) were outside enjoying the rare sunshine. The others were all sitting on the grass, while he and I were standing up, chatting [we're not "friends" friends, but we'd have a chat if we ended up in the same room :)]. I was considering sitting down, but I kind of liked the idea that we were standing, talking to each other, while the others were sitting...... *pulls face*
Anyway, I tend not to know what to do with my hands, so I had my arms crossed out of habit and was slouching a bit (I'm not that tall anyway, and overweight, so this isn't exactly the best idea for me). Every time I realized my arms were crossed I hated myself for it, because I know the kind of vibes it gives out - I'm withdrawn/protective of myself, stay away -, whether they're noticed consciously or subconsciously, and I really don't want to give this guy that message. :( But every time I tried to move them, they just ended up back crossed in front of my chest - I just never know what to do with my hands when they're by my side; I always feel so awkward, no matter how much more confident I've become in the last year or two. So I just couldn't, and I kept my arms crossed, and slouched, and I hated myself for it the whole time I was talking to him, but that was all I could do.

It's crazy, because when I first began to like this guy I felt like I was using him. I had been really into another guy before that (one of his friends, incidentally), and when that guy got a girlfriend I was trying to do everything and anything to forget about him so I wouldn't get sad. This new guy, well, for quite a while I'd been thinking that he might like me, you know, just little things (probably wishful thinking...), so I figured if I liked him, maybe I might even have a chance...
So I basically made myself like him, and I felt so bad about it at the start, knowing that if (ha!) anything ever happened, I would feel so guilty and that I was using him for my own gratification. That was about 4 months ago.
Now, of course, I've really fallen for him, and I don't know if it's because I'm paying more attention, or because there was never anything there, or because things have changed, or whatever, but my 'feeling' that he might like me has so much less grounding than before...

And now I'm so confused!
Sometimes he talks to me, just/specifically me, about random things, and sometimes he ignores me (well, not exactly 'ignores', but he doesn't single me out...), and now I'm just getting confused and frustrated but I can't do anything about it because every time I see him he just makes me smile........

Gah, I wish people, everyone, was easier to read!

xxx