I don't know how much longer I can take this
This hate, fear, self-loathing
Consuming me
Eating me from the inside
Everyone else with their problems
My mother being stupid and acting like a baby because she doesn't want to deal with anyone else
She thinks she's the worst off because my brother is who he is and does the things he does and she's decided she can't do anything and won't do anything about it
She doesn't know anything
She doesn't know how I feel
Nobody does
I can't relax
I can't smile
I can't be happy
I can't even cry, unless it is tears of hate for myself
Not even feeling sorry for myself when I'm watching romantic movies and knowing I'll never be like them
I can't cry then
I cry at night
Tearing at my bedclothes with my teeth
Tearing at myself with my nails
Never enough to leave a mark that will last till the moring
Stretch marks all over my legs, covering every inch of them, tell me I can't do that

Tearing bites of fat off of myself
If I could bend to reach that far
If I could

The words I am thinking say I don't recognise myself
I don't know if I do
I think I feel sick
But it's not nauseous
(I don't know how to spell that)
It's hate sickness
Pure hate
Self-loathing
I can't look at myself
I can't even think of myself
I'm tense
I can only focus on one thing

And I can't fix it

I'm trying harder than I've ever tried before
Trying things I've never tried before
Trying with more perseverence than I've ever tried before
(I don't know how to spell that either)
But nothing's working
Worse than that, it's going backwards
Anything I want
Everything I want
The opposite happens
Faster than I ever expected

Yet I'm still trying
And it's still not working
Still going backwards
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to get out of this
I'm stuck
I need help
I don't know where to get it, how to find it

Nothing is working

And yet I still try

And still, nothing works

I go on and on and on
Failing, failing, failing
Hating, hating, hating
Anger
Hate
Disgust

Fear

I don't know what to do
I feel I shall explode
Yet I know I won't
I can't
That would be too easy

If I left now -
I feel I can't leave now, without experiences
Then I remember I won't know I'll be missing anything
I won't know anything
Could I leave?

I doubt it
I would fail at that too

I fail at everything I try
I try the things that matter the most to me
I fail at them
I try things I always thought I was good at
I fail at them
I try everything
I fail at
Everything

I never succeed
I shall never succeed
I have never succeeded

I always fail
Fail
Hate
Anger

Fear

xxx