I don't know how much longer I can take this
This hate, fear, self-loathing
Consuming me
Eating me from the inside
Everyone else with their problems
My mother being stupid and acting like a baby because she doesn't want to deal with anyone else
She thinks she's the worst off because my brother is who he is and does the things he does and she's decided she can't do anything and won't do anything about it
She doesn't know anything
She doesn't know how I feel
Nobody does
I can't relax
I can't smile
I can't be happy
I can't even cry, unless it is tears of hate for myself
Not even feeling sorry for myself when I'm watching romantic movies and knowing I'll never be like them
I can't cry then
I cry at night
Tearing at my bedclothes with my teeth
Tearing at myself with my nails
Never enough to leave a mark that will last till the moring
Stretch marks all over my legs, covering every inch of them, tell me I can't do that

Tearing bites of fat off of myself
If I could bend to reach that far
If I could

The words I am thinking say I don't recognise myself
I don't know if I do
I think I feel sick
But it's not nauseous
(I don't know how to spell that)
It's hate sickness
Pure hate
Self-loathing
I can't look at myself
I can't even think of myself
I'm tense
I can only focus on one thing

And I can't fix it

I'm trying harder than I've ever tried before
Trying things I've never tried before
Trying with more perseverence than I've ever tried before
(I don't know how to spell that either)
But nothing's working
Worse than that, it's going backwards
Anything I want
Everything I want
The opposite happens
Faster than I ever expected

Yet I'm still trying
And it's still not working
Still going backwards
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to get out of this
I'm stuck
I need help
I don't know where to get it, how to find it

Nothing is working

And yet I still try

And still, nothing works

I go on and on and on
Failing, failing, failing
Hating, hating, hating
Anger
Hate
Disgust

Fear

I don't know what to do
I feel I shall explode
Yet I know I won't
I can't
That would be too easy

If I left now -
I feel I can't leave now, without experiences
Then I remember I won't know I'll be missing anything
I won't know anything
Could I leave?

I doubt it
I would fail at that too

I fail at everything I try
I try the things that matter the most to me
I fail at them
I try things I always thought I was good at
I fail at them
I try everything
I fail at
Everything

I never succeed
I shall never succeed
I have never succeeded

I always fail
Fail
Hate
Anger

Fear

xxx

So, I'm still alive.....

....and of course it worries me that that could have actually been an issue...

anywho...

Because I figured this blog is just a waste of space if I don't write, and in light of a recent comment from "Anonymous" asking me if I was on YouTube, I'm going to make a list of things that piss the hell out of me.

• People Who Post Anonymous Comments Asking Stupid Questions. Umm, hellooo??! a) if you post as Anonymous, how am I supposed to answer; b) come on, I'm hardly going to tell you that, am I?
• On a similar note, People On Bebo That Comment You Asking You Something, But Leave Their Page On Private So You Can't Comment Back. Do you want me to reply?! (and before you ask, no, I will not give you a link to my bebo page) (idiots....)
• Bad Grammar And Spelling. Grammar Especially. Don't get me started on this. It is 100% my pet hate. I saw the worst sentence yesterday. Unfortunately, I can't remember what it was, but the first thing I thought when I saw it was "Would you say that?! No. Then why the hell would you write it?!?!" Also 's. Seriously. They drill it into you in primary school - "If in doubt, leave it out." And then you walk past a shop that has a sign in the window wishing you a "Merry Christma's". What the Hell????!!

So yeah... I had more, but I'm lazy and I can't remember them.

And right now this blog is pissing me off because it's decided to do double line spacing all of a sudden and I can't get rid of it.

*sighs*

Just thought I'd check in, anyway.

xxx

Sunshine and happy pills

Or maybe sunshine IS happy pills...
so i've actually been feeling happy the last 3 days
it's completely out of the blue, and i feel as if i'm completely unaccustomed to it - but hey, i'm not going to complain! it's a nice relief to have... and i'm not letting myself dwell for any length of time on subjects that could bring me down, because i really, really want this to last.
and almost exactly in conjunction with my sudden, unexpected happy streak, the sun has finally made an appearance - and i don't just mean it's not raining, i mean yesterday and today my friends and i actually sat outside at lunch time, something we haven't done since the beginning of last september! and if you try and ingore the breeze, it even almost feels pleasantly warm, for this time of year at least.
and i haven't just been 'happy'. i've been talkative, and giddy, and 'in a weird mood', and god knows what else, for the last three days - and god only knows why! it's something i can't understand - although it hadn't crossed my mind until just this afternoon, i hadn't even considered the existance of the 'winter blues' - i'm not saying that was what was going on, but it does seem as though the sun finally coming out has cheered me up, well, rather considerably.
so it would seem, if my hopes can be granted, that this summer might just be a slightly happier time than i might have forseen (that is, of course, bearing in mind that i'm steering away from thinking of things that might bring me down, such as having to get a job this summer, which would mean i am no longer a 'child' that gets 'cared for', and also, that either way, this is the last summer where i can really feel like a 'child', off on my three months of carefree, void of responsibilities, summer holidays...)

xxx

i shouldn't feel like this...

I now know that I am in a very bad place. A bad, bad place. I was upset by something, in somewhat the same category as last time, and although I didn’t throw a hissy fit or shout and scream or anything, my only thought as I stood at the open door looking out into the windy, misty drizzle was that I wanted to slash my wrists open. I didn’t - I just stood there, and looked out, for a long time, with silent tears running down my face - but this time, it wasn’t the fear of the stinging while healing that stopped me - I couldn’t care less about that this time - but the fear of what my parents’ reactions would be when they found out - anger, making me feel embarrassed, and so on.
I know that I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. They are not right thoughts to have. I am not yet so far gone that I can’t realize that there’s something wrong here. But I don’t know what to do about it. I am rational enough to know that this kind of thing should end up with the help of a psychiatrist; but I can’t talk to my parents and..... I’m scared. It is a terrifying thought to think that I could be ill like this, to think that I could be ill enough to need something like that. Which I guess means I would need to fix it myself..... but it’s just so terrifying a thought to think there could be something needing fixing. I will have to ‘nip it in the bud’, as they say, before it’s gone too far, before it gets serious, before I go past the point of wanting it fixed.....
But I don’t know how..... And the idea that this could be happening is so unbelievably terrifying, I don’t know what to do.....
Help.....

xxx

the morning after

i wasn't going to, i really wasn't
and then just as i was about to go to bed i passed my mother in the hall and she genuinely acted as if nothing had happened, and it just set me off again
but i didn't do as much as i thought i would....
and i regreted it almost as soon as i had finished....
that's something, i guess....

xxx

help....

I know that if I were to take my tweezers and scratch at the skin on my wrist until it began to break, it would not hurt as much as it should. I know I said I’d never self-harm again, but I never in my life imagined I could feel like this. And it’s not the same as last time, last time I was just sad and crying and I didn’t know why; but this time I am psychotic and hysteric and almost sick and laughing and screaming and hyperventilating and my parents just dragged me upstairs to my room and I went completely limp and my mother just slapped me to try and snap me out of it and when she threatened to call the doctor I nodded and when they lay me on my bedroom floor I drooled on the carpet, and this has only happened to me once before in my entire memory, and that was only a few months ago, and my mother didn’t even see most of that because she was busy watching t.v. because she didn’t understand and she never understands, and my father was in another room patiently comforting me because he did understand what was wrong - and yet just now, I heard my brother ask my mother what was wrong with me, and she answered, ‘She’s just being herself.’ I almost got sick when I heard that. Writing this had been helping, the urge to take up those tweezers had been lessening and lessening and then I heard her say that and it all came flooding back, and it’s still faintly there, and my wrist looks and feels white and pristine and whole and expectant.....

xxx

Italian guys are crap kissers...

So here's the thing. I just got back from a school trip to Italy, and on our last night, Valentine's night in fact, we went to this place called Club Electric in Florence. So yeah. Club + Italian guys = happy times, right? Well, in theory. Actually, this is pretty pathetic. Yes, i did get off with a guy - and might I use this chance to say that the depressing thing is that I'm freakin' 17 and that was my first kiss?! Random italian stranger, who stank of smoke, btw (and I am about as anti-smoking as you could get, so that, coupled with the fact that he was NOT, in any way, hot, shows just how desperate I was...) Also, he seemed old.... like in his 20s or something (the age limit in the club was supposed to be 25 I think...), and that kinda freaked me out.....
And it was pretty gross. I mean, of course, you get all these thoughts running through your head, like, 'is it me, is it my fault?' and 'seriously, is that it, was I just hyping it up too much?', but then you hear pretty much every girl (because there were that many horny guys there, nobody got left out) saying that their guys had been crap too, and, well, it kind of gives you some hope for the next time....
And I do remember some random moments, like at the start suddenly realising/thinking to myself something like, 'Huh. His tongue's been in my mouth for like the last 5 minutes. I should probably do something...', or when I suddenly found myself with my eyes open thinking, 'well this is pretty boring...' - and then I saw my teachers over his shoulder so I kind of freaked out and left (not that I stayed very long, it really wasn't great). It was funny in a way, because I kind of got dizzy or disorientated or something (and no, I wasnt drunk, I hadn't touched a drop of alcohol; I never do), and I wasn't really sure what was going on and I was kind of doing things without noticing what I was doing, and yet I was still able to make these totally random observations.... screw being a woman and being able to think about 5 million things at once!!
So yeah, that's about it. Random, I know, and probably more than you wanted to hear...!

On another note, I should probably say that one of my dogs died the night before I went to Italy..........
She was pretty sick, but I guess she was doing ok, and then that morning she just woke up really really bad, and by the evening she just gave up............
But I guess it's a good thing she was only really suffering for one day.......
It kind of put a dampner on the first day of my trip, but I don't know if the distraction was good or bad - it distracted my from my sadness, but at the same time, sometimes I feel like a heartless monster for almost forgetting about it so soon............

xxx