Why doesn't he think I'm pretty?

That was a rhetorical question, by the way. It's because I'm not, particularly, but that's (kind of) besides the question.

And I'd like to note the "he" in that question. Any confusion I felt last year (really almost a year ago?), was exactly as I thought, just that - Confusion. The kind that according to all the pre-teen magazines happens when you're 12-13-14 years old. Whatever. I guess I'm developmentally delayed or something.

But I digress.

So there's this guy at college. For the last two or three weeks, I've been seeing him everywhere. In the canteen, in a lecture (basically the only lecture I have that's with students other than the 20-odd girls doing my course), in the library... One day a week, it seems as if we practically have the same schedule. Like clockwork, we're both in the canteen at the same time, then in the afternoon I see him in that lecture, then that evening we're both in the library studying. I see him everywhere. And I'm not going to shy away from the back that yes, I do think he's attractive. Not "classically hot", but sometimes I wonder if my emotions are going into self defence mode and encouraging me to be attracted to people who are lower down, so I can fool myself into thinking there's at least some chance.


Anyway.
Last week, I was (not on purpose; it was genuinely the only table free) sitting opposite him (or so I thought) in the library. Then suddenly "he" is walking behind me and takes a seat at the table across from me (where books and notes had been left) and "continues" working. But "he" is still opposite me. My mind immediately went to: Twins?! I couldn't check for sure since I couldn't see the face of the boy sitting opposite me (there are dividers on the tables), and because while I see him frequently, it's never for more than a few seconds, so I couldn't be 100% that the first boy I saw (who was sitting opposite me) was in fact the person I thought I had been seeing everywhere, as opposed to someone who just looked a little similar. But the suggestion was certainly in my mind that this "person" could in fact be two people. Which would somewhat explain the frequency with which I was seeing him/them.

But during the week, I kept thinking I saw him (or them), only to realise about half the time that it was in fact just someone who looked vaguely similar. So I began to question my initially strong assumption that it was twins. Maybe I really was just seeing this one boy everywhere.
BUT then today, in the lecture we both have, I saw him walking towards a seat in the front of the lecture hall and sitting down. And that was all fine. Then I blinked, and saw him coming in the main door "again", wearing a different colour shirt, and going to find another seat (which also happened, coincidentally, to be in the front of the hall, but I don't think this is important). So all of a sudden, I was almost positive once again that it was twins (again, I couldn't make myself 100% sure, as I hadn't concentrated enough on the "first" person to be 100% sure if he looked the same. The "second" person definitely looked like the person/people I've been seeing everywhere).

So now I don't know if:
- There's identical twins.
- There's non-identical twins.
- There's one person who I keep seeing, but a couple of people who look similar to him (and to figure this one out, I will be looking long and hard at each person I think is the person I see everywhere. I've come up with a close enough description that I think will allow me to be 100% if it's the person/one of the identical twins (if it is/they are)).


But that's the background information.

Whenever I see him (or them, if it's twins, but for the purpose of clarity I'm just going to refer to "him" for the rest of this entry), or most of the time at least, disregarding the fact that yes, I of course look at/notice him, *he* frequently seems to look in my direction and it's as if he notices me... It's not a "longing stare" or anything - God no - but in some way, without him really reacting (other than looking at me, and I'm serious, it really looks like he's noticing me rather than abstractly seeing through me - though it's not like he gives a "sign" or something stupid like that), I just have this feeling that yes, he recognises that he keeps coming across me everywhere just like I keep coming across him.
I don't know how to explain it.
But the "feeling" that tells me that is coming from my communication analytical brain rather than my emotional response centre...

ANYWAY.
Today, I saw him in the canteen. I don't think he saw me then. This afternoon, I saw him in the lecture we both have (as I described already). I think he saw me then. It's hard to tell, because I was sitting quite far away from him and there were a lot of people, and it would realistically make more sense if he didn't see me, but again, I just got the sense that he did.

Then this evening, I was walking between shelves in the library towards where the tables are, and I looked up to see him walking towards me. I was 100% sure it was the same person as the "second" person I saw coming into the lecture, partially from newly internalised "description", but mostly because he was wearing the same colour shirt. The space was not so narrow that we would have to "squeeze" past each other, but narrow enough that we would be about one foot away from each other when we passed. It would be the closest physically we had ever been.
And here's where I met my first problem. I have always had issues around looking at people I am attracted to. In school, naturally, I would spend about 90% of the time the person was looking in the other direction, looking at them. Since starting college, I literally have not had that opportunity. And since "getting caught looking" (I'm sure) didn't help any during school, I found myself now with the dilemma - what kind of "looking at this person" do I do as I pass him? Should I portray my shy self and just not make any eye contact, go past him quickly and, if he ever had any wondering, give him the impression that I really am not interested in him? Should I risk the (realistically dangerous) assumption that he has definitely been noticing we keep seeing each other everywhere, and make brief (or longer) eye contact, with a little smirk to indicate amusement that "here we are again, both in the same place at the same time"? At this point, I couldn't even remember what I "usually" do when I pass someone - male or female - in a corridor like that. My instinct tells me I look at them as little as possible, and rarely make eye contact.
But while I'm too shy to do the second suggestion, I didn't want to cut off any hint of a possibility (my ridiculous romanticism/fantastical tiny nuggets of thoughts sparked by the feeling that yes, he was noticing me). So I did make brief eye contact with him as I passed, but that was all - a compromise between the two, if you will. And thinking back over it now, I guess that *is* a smidgen more special that how I "look at" "regular" people when I pass them like that.

But now back to the question at hand.

I don't know what I was expecting, to be honest. I guess I was thinking that he might make some sort of smirk, or something, confirming the feeling I've had most times I see him that he's been noticing me, and not in an annoyed way or anything particularly like that. I always assume that people I am attracted to are multiple times more outgoing than me.
He didn't.
I guess he made brief eye contact or something, like I did, but that was all. Which is totally normal, obviously. It's ridiculous that a little part of me was kind of expecting more. Nothing like he even vaguely recognised me, nothing to even remotely suggest that I was anything other than a brand new, anonymous face seen for both the first and last time among a sea of students.

Part of me tells me I need to control the fantastical/romantic side of me or I'll end up AGAIN like summer 2010, when I came too close to not having a date for my debs.

But then the other part of me points me in the direction of my last post, and tells me that if this is the only way I can have hope, to cling onto it for the next few years, because even if, in my current situation, there's no way anything will ever happen, I need to trick myself into thinking I have hope. Even if it means a let down, that might crush me at the time, it's better than the alternative. Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.


And when I saw his face, close up, for the first time...
It was beautiful...........

xxx

How things change...

I feel... empty... now.

I've been wanting to write a blog for a few weeks, but I physically couldn't put what I was feeling into words. Hence... empty...

I was doing so, SO well.
Something weird happened in me around the time I found out for sure which college course I was accepted into... I can't remember if it happened after that (as a result of it), or just at around the same time... I think it was just at around the same time, but I'm sure it was hardly entirely coincidental deep down in my subconsciousness.
I had spent so much of my final year in school, especially the end of it, and much of the summer months after it, fighting the fear I had about the future... The fear of the unknown, of being in a course on my own with a group of new people I didn't know, of being "grown up" and throw out into the big, bad world, when I still felt like a child...
And then I woke up one morning and I wasn't afraid any more. It wasn't a gradual thing, but neither did I suddenly wonder what I had been scared of. I just suddenly realised that I was no longer afraid of going to college, of meeting new people on my own, of being a "grown up". It was as if the fear had simply never existed, and that was not something I would ever have predicted in myself in my wildest dreams. I had been offered a place in the course I wanted, and I was suddenly, really, looking forward to it, knowing, in some way that I still can't fathom, that everything would be perfectly ok.
And it was.
Mostly, I guess, or realistically, it still is.
I love my course, it's exactly what I wanted. It's a small class of less than thirty, all girls, and I get on with them all so well. It's so much better than I could ever have hoped before my "change" a couple weeks before I started. They're wonderful people. And a lot of them have come straight from same-sex education, so they don't find it disconcerting at all that it's a full-on oestrogen fest all day every day...
And I do love my girlies.
But the only male contact we have is a tiny handful of middle-aged male lecturers who talk at us once a week.
And for me, it's.......... weird... [among many other things...]

I came from a co-ed school. I'm used to being around guys pretty much 24/7, except when I specifically decide otherwise. And I don't even just mean I miss being around good-looking guys; I miss male interaction full stop. A handful of my friends from school were male, and while I still chat to them over Facebook occasionally, it's not the same.
It doesn't feel right, not talking to boys. I always found boys quite easy to talk to (unless I was attracted to them... obviously)... I think. But maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.

And I'm not the kind of person who can just go up to a random stranger for no reason and make them my friend, girl or boy. Other than a small few of my school friends who happen to be in the same college as me (but doing different courses), the only friends I have on campus are those in my class. And that means all girls...
Sure, I tried joining clubs and societies, but our schedule is so messy and it's so awkward for me to get in to college, and we have so much work to do outside of our lectures, that when push came to shove, I only actually ended up actively participating in one society... And naturally, it somehow ended up being all girls...

And thus begins the tiny grain of the start of my freak-out.

All through my life, there has always been... prospects. There's always been something for me to look towards and somehow fool myself into hoping something will happen, whatever and with whoever it might be, and I won't still be waiting for my first boyfriend.
At school, I was constantly around boys, there were bountiful chances for a 'crush' to develop on virtually anyone, no matter how long I had known them, and plenty of 'school discos' to look forward to with crossed fingers and baited breath in the hope that whichever boy I was currently infatuated with would finally make a move...
Don't get me wrong; I knew there was a very high chance that there would be only girls in my class (it's a very female-biased profession)... I guess I was always pinning my hopes on meeting someone in one of the 'clubs and societies' that everyone you know tells you you need to join or forever be a loner...
But it's hit me in a whoosh that there are no "prospects" anymore.
There will be no more 'school discos', no constant gathering of boys for me to focus my attention on and have someone to focus on...
I'm not, and never was, and as far as I can tell never will be, the kind of person to be okay with properly hooking up with someone I just met at a club or a bar... I need to know the person inside out before I can think of spending time with them in a more intimate way than just friends... And that said, I don't even go to clubs or bars. I get uncomfortable when my new friends talk about going out and getting drunk.
I'm not anti-alcohol, but I don't like when people go out to get completely drunk, which is what everybody seems to do... And it's not something I want to do, so I don't go out. I would be miserable, uncomfortable, and embarrassed being sober with every single person around me unable to walk straight. And hating myself.
So I get uncomfortable when the subject comes up. I don't want these new friends to thing... whatever... of me because I don't go out and get drunk.... But I'm running out of excuses each time they organise a class party. I basically don't drink at all. I don't think I'd mind having one, maybe two at a stretch, but that's never all it is. I get kind of freaked out about things that can affect me or my body like that - I don't take painkillers unless it's unbearable, and often take half the dosage unless it's really bad, and hell, I get worried if I drink more than one cup of coffee in one day... And since I've never even been "out", I don't even know what to do.........
It makes me uncomfortable...
So no boys for me there.

And God, does it hurt. In my head, I will become friends with no new boys while I am still in college, which I won't be leaving until I'm 23 at the earliest. There will be no opportunities for me to meet new boys, and no opportunities for anything to happen. Then I'll be out into the working world (assuming I can get a job - if not; even worse), in my female dominated profession, and hey, no boys there either.
I can't deal with that kind of a thought.
Right now, I'm telling myself, forcing myself to believe that my cousin's wedding early next summer counts as a "prospect". I'm a bridesmaid. Hell if that makes a difference. She's ten years older than me. It's a family event. I know it's only going to lead to disappointment, but I have to at least pretend to myself, to get me through the next six months. After that........ I don't want to think about it.

And of course, none of this is helped by the fact that He isn't even in freaking London.....
Back to my old school in October for an event, and to my surprise, he's there. And God, I can't even think about it, because I can't even go there anymore.
For whatever fucking reason that I can't think about anymore, he finally popped over for a chat. Typically, I happened to be with one of my guy friends at the time, specifically, the one He knew I had had a crush on a few years previously (who knows if he even remembered, or if... whatever.). That doesn't help matters. Then the friend got talking to someone else, so it was just me and Him chatting. Very briefly. His lift arrived after maybe less that a minute. AGH. Not helping. And he was gone. Turns out he's actually in college in the west - still in the country. Banging my head off the wall. And he was wearing a floppy beanie hat, which I had never seen him do before. NOT HELPING. I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN.


But I can't talk about that anymore. Just no.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There was another occasion, some time in the middle or beginning of November I think, perhaps something I could almost say was an additional factor in the onset of my freak-out. But I'm sure the freak-out would have happened anyway. But it's understandable that this could certainly affected it...

I never have, and never will, have an issue with homosexuality. One of my good friends is gay, and I've never had a problem with it, and always support him. As far as I'm concerned, you can't choose who you fall in love with, and gender preference is no different to hair colour preference, height preference, nationality preference, etc.
But I personally never experienced any attraction of that sort to my own sex. No lesbian, bisexual, even bi-curious; I myself have and will always consider myself completely straight.

But hanging around with almost exclusively girls for 3 months straight, when I am definitely not used to that, well, I guess it's going to have some kind of effect on me... right...?

One girl in my class... She's not tomboyish, or to go polar opposite, she's not "overly affectionate" either by any means, and if she were male, she would not be the kind who would attract my attention.
But one night, about a month and a half ago, I was.......
She... Her face suddenly popped into my mind unbidden and unexpected..... at..... the.... culmination.... of a certain..... time.... when my.... mind.... was not.... able.... to make conscious decisions....
To say I was surprised would be putting it rather mildly. I had no idea where that image had come from, why it popped up... But I felt confident enough in my sexuality - somehow, God only knows how, or why, that is the one aspect of myself I didn't even think to question my confidence in - that it didn't worry me. It had happened, I wasn't entirely sure why, but it didn't mean anything, and I was okay with it. It could be considered "normal". It wasn't.... "wrong" for a straight woman to.... unexpectedly.... picture the face of another woman.

But of course, my mind is not the kind of mind to leave something like that alone, no matter what I consciously and self-assuredly and confidently decide, with no consideration or incentive to question. And so suddenly...
There were all these questions inside my head...
And questions lead to speculation... and some kind of weird, warped version of hypochondria, if you could call it that.
I am not sexually attracted to her. I know that. I don't know what I feel for her, it's not normal or familiar, but my mind labelled it "attraction". It confuses me. I never encountered that feeling before and never called it attraction. It's Not more than any attraction I felt before, it's certainly less, if I'm going to call it "attraction". But it makes me feel slightly ill, besides the confused, no matter how much I'm okay with homosexuality in other people. But not for me.

Ok ok. I know this doesn't make me a lesbian. Far from it. But it still leaves me feeling really confused...

I know all the young teenage magazines have their annual articles on these kind of things, and I remember reading enough of them to know that they say that it's "normal" for a girl to be attracted to another female but not be lesbian or bisexual. Something to do with changing friendships, or the unattainable.... or just subconscious curiosity, I don't know.
The rational part of my tries to theorise that ok, it's quite possible I feel drawn to her because she is humorous and always making people laugh.
Who the hell knows.
Whatever.

But this certainly isn't helping the helpless, boyless issue...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And it's not just my depression over the lack of male romantic love in my life that's upsetting my head at the moment.

My brother is dealing with his Christmas exams in school at this stage.

He started off the school term well, and I though things were going to be ok...
But slowly, things are getting angry again.....
It's nowhere near as bad as it was this time... but these are just poxy little Christmas tests....


And this culmination of everything together.......
It's not making me do very well...

A week or two ago, I scared myself, while lying in bed trying to get to sleep. I had been a little upset that day, but I was trying to move past it, like I always do. My mind was wandering, and suddenly I found myself, somewhere in my mind, knotting a loop in a rope hanging from my bedroom ceiling and........
And the part that scared me the very most... was the adrenaline rush I felt when I thought about it. That terrified me. The voice inside my head screamed blue murder, and ever fibre in my being fought to change my mind's track to something completely different and positive; I believe that was when I started shoving false but desperately needed hopes about my cousin's wedding into ever corner of my mind. That adrenaline rush was not a good thing to think I felt.
Oh God.
And even thinking back about it... I can't. I'll be sick.
Right now, I can't let myself read any of my past blog entries. I'm too scared about the thoughts that might go into my head if I do, and of what might happen then.
God.
It's sickening.

I Am Thinking Positive. I have to think positive. Or I'll get sick.

xxx

Lullaby

Song from this video which I re-discovered recently.

This song makes me cry - I don't know if it's sad tears, or happy tears because sometimes when I'm emotional I cry happy tears about babies... :)

Little child, be not afraid,

The rain pounds harsh against the glass

Like an unwanted stranger,

There is no danger,

I am here tonight.

Little child, be not afraid,

The thunder explodes and lightning flash

Illuminates your tear-stained face

I am here tonight.

And some day you'll know

That nature is so

The same rain that draws you near me

Falls on rivers and land,

And forests and sand,

Makes the beautiful world that you see

In the morning.

Little child, be not afraid,

The storm clouds mask a beloved moon

And its candlelight beams still keep pleasant dreams

I am here tonight.

Little child, be not afraid,

The wind makes creatures of our trees,

And the branches to hands

They're not real, understand

And I am here tonight,

And some day you'll know

That nature is so

The same rain that draws you near me

Falls on rivers and land,

And forests and sand,

Makes the beautiful world that you see

In the morning.

For you know,

Once even I

Was a little child,

And I was afraid,

But a gentle someone always came

To dry all my tears,

To (?) the fears,

And to give a kiss goodnight

And now I'm (?)

And these years have shown

The rain's a part of how life goes,

But it's dark and it's late

So I'll hold you and wait,

Till your frightened eyes do close

And I hope that you know

That nature is so

The same rain that draws you near me

Falls on rivers and land,

And forests and sand,

Makes the beautiful world that you see

In the morning

Everything's fine in the morning

The rain'll be gone in the morning

But I'll still be here in the morning.

xxx

Epiphany?

Every so often, I look back quickly over older posts. Quickly, because there are things in them that I don't want to be reminded of feeling. Looking at the brief record of how I was feeling last year, it seems miraculous to me how much happier - blissfully happier, in comparison - I am now to how I was, and scary to try and comprehend the feelings I had.

I wonder, always, why I was feeling that way - such strong, terrifying feelings - and what arouse the total 360 change in my temperament. I couldn't pinpoint anything, not even a vague suggestion of anything that happened since then that made my life better - if anything, there should have been more stress, worry and unsureness in my life, which would have dragged me even further down. But it didn't. And for so long, I couldn't figure out why.

Then suddenly, a few days ago, an idea came to me. I don't know how plausible, or likely, it is, I just know that it is, if even just a tiny amount, a possible reason.

(And here's where I bear all.)

My brother, 3 years younger than me, has Asperger's Syndrome (a "high-functioning" autistic spectrum disorder). I suppose, in relative terms, he's quite lucky in that he doesn't suffer as bad as he could - at least, I think so, not knowing very much about it or its severity, save for what I can Google, since nobody ever talked to me about it.
Anyway, last year, he was doing his Junior Cert. in school (like GCSEs in the UK; a large state exam for 15-year-olds). It happened that also last year, he was obsessed with a particular online video game (this one had moderate violence). For whatever combination of reasons, he was very, very negative and angry for a large amount of the year; as his exams got closer this naturally got worse. He would lash out - both physically and verbally - at my whole family; close himself in the computer room (consequently prohibiting anyone else from even walk past the room without 'awaking the monster'); refuse to study (while on the inside terrified about his exams), making my mother more stressed and agitated than anyone should be...
The whole year was a montage of shouting (both childish insults and just plain aggression), slammed doors, and unprovoked punches and kicks (I still have a partially numb, partially unbearably painful patch on my shin from where I was kicked one evening when something went wrong on his computer game and I happened to be the only other one in the house). The house was so full of his anger, it's no wonder it seeped into all the rest of us...

I've always know his condition has greatly affected my life - I've just been accepted onto a University course to become a Speech & Language Therapist, and the other career choice I was considering after that was becoming a psychologist - but I never in my wildest dreams realised it could affect me so drastically and so negatively.
I guess posts like this one (and reading it now makes me feel physically sick; I don't even recognise the person who wrote that, it doesn't seem real), written just after one of the few times I simply broke down after a particularly difficult episode with my brother, should have given me some insight; but my head was too caught up in the depression to think clearly the way I have always thought I have been able to do...

And then after his exams were over, and a few months later after he got his results and everything was forgotten and he started 'Transition Year' in school (a very un-academic year, focused on projects and extra-curricular activities)... He was calmer, occasionally - occasionally - even verging on happy, and I guess my family - I - got some endorphins back into my system. And look at the astounding difference!

Of course, next year... He will be doing his Leaving Cert. (like the UK A-Levels; the final state exams), and the greater stress/pressure of that, coupled with the fact that he will be supposed to be choosing the path for his future, and I know he won't have a clue what he wants to do (coupled with the fact that he now has a laptop of his own and a playstation in his room, and when he's on those he gets even more unreasonable)... Well, it won't be a pretty picture.
I'm staying at home for my first year of college - I tell people it's because it's cheaper, but in reality, the prospect of college is scary enough to me without adding in leaving home for the first time too) - but it's always been my plan to move out starting second year. My reason for this I've been giving as - rightfully so - not wanting to be in the house with him when he's that angry all the time, but I've only recently come to contemplate that that reason might be so much more important that I had ever originally though. I don't want to tell my parents about my frame of mind last year, but a few days ago, chatting idly with my mum about how I planned to move out in second year, I felt myself putting more emotion into that reason, as if willing her to understand it was more than just 'sibling rows'.

But next year is a long time away. And I'm hoping to God the stress of returning to more academic schooling doesn't have as much of an adverse effect as it could, on the whole family. I don't know really how it affected my parents, and I don't want to sound selfish or be complaining all the time, but I know, and I knew last year, that those were not feelings I should have been having; and there are certain times, and certain situations, where you need to look after your own health - be it mental or physical - first.

xxx

Re-capping

No, I didn't go on my own. Or with Him.
I was resisting, and worrying, and resisting, and worrying. And then my mom brought the subject up AGAIN, and kept at it, and I got mad, and I was stuck with her on a boat with nowhere to go away by myself and hide, and no way to stop myself thinking about it.
Whatever.
Either way, it gave me enough of a kick in the face to get me to snap the hell out of whatever pathetic bubble I thought I was living in, waiting for - and how the hell was I thinking that it was going to happen? - the "romantic" Disney ending that I swore last blog I wasn't stupid or pathetic enough to expect. Made me grit my teeth and swear to God I would never let my pussy of a brain go there again.
And I managed to remember that there WAS a friend, in the year below us, that I COULD ask. And thank God the late notice wasn't too late for him.

And of course, I did spend a portion of the evening stealing furtive glances at Him, trying to ascertain whether he was there on his own or not. I let myself, knowing it would be the last time I would see him. I'm relatively sure he was dateless...
He spent very little time on the dancefloor. And from what I could see, very little time even in the room. If he was outside at the bar, he wasn't drinking - he's still underage (just), and they gave out wristbands based on very rigorous ID checks.
And he didn't speak to me, or look at me, even once. Even when my drunk friend, who was next to me, forced him to dance with her. I Had thought we were close enough acquaintances for a simple 'hi', at least...

And then yesterday, we got our exam results. Went in to school to get them. Saw him again, walking out after getting his, while I was standing with my friends, whom he would also talk to. Was half expecting him to come over just to ask what I got in biology - kind of a running gag between us; after every class test he would always ask me what I got, we always tried to beat each other, but I usually won by 1 or 2 percent. Though the last month or two, he stopped asking completely... - but he didn't. He didn't look upset with his results, so maybe he was just going to tell fill his mom in straight away, but then he walked past us again later, and still didn't stop. I mean, even people who we would never really have spoken to would have least asked quickly, in passing, how we got on... And then lastly, he drove slowly past me, didn't even blink in recognition.
What happened to all our happy little conversations...?

But now he's going to London. For sure. And I'm staying here.
I will Never see him again. So for me he no longer exists. Never existed.

I'm focusing on the future. My future. Trying with all my might not to think about the scary parts. Which is pretty much all of it. Maybe I'm just focusing on the present.
Don't think about the scary bits.

xxx

Am I allowed be sad again for a while...?

I was going to write more... I started something, even... But then I got busy and it didn't happen...

And now...

Right now, right at this moment, things aren't so good.

For months, I've been telling my mother not to worry every time she asks me who I'm going to my debs with, every time she gets anxious and says I have to go with someone. I've been telling her it's fine, it's no big deal, loads of my friends are going on their own, and we're all going together as one big group of singles. And I meant it. Yes, I did want to go with someone - someone in particular - but I didn't feel worried or upset that I was going on my own - most of my friends would be the same, and I love that my class is so accepting that it genuinely wouldn't have been an issue.

But then slowly, one by one, my single friends, who had all agreed we'd go alone together, started finding dates.

Some of them, I wasn't too surprised - I pretty much expected it, even though they were all taking dates who were just friends. Others... not so much. A few days before the end of school, when I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that instead of 8-10 of us, there would just be 3 of us going alone together, one of that three decided she was taking someone from the year below us. I am 100% sure her mother talked her into it - her mother is painfully image-conscious, and my friend is ending up taking the son of her mother's friend, who yes, we would both talk to if we happened to be in the same place at the same time, but I wouldn't exactly say we were"friends" (and I know she doesn't have feelings for him).

So then there were two of us left to be going along together. And both of us being girls... Well, just two of us would have been a bit weird. I couldn't exactly do anything about it, but still, it was weird...

And then... A few days ago, that one left single friend came home from Belfast with an almost-boyfriend. And tonight she texted me saying that as long as he could get off work, he was coming to the debs with her.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her, really, she really deserves it, and I would have done exactly the same thing in her situation.

But now... there's just me. I'm going to my debs alone. On my own. And every single one of my friends have dates.

And right now, there's a surging part of me that says I don't want to go, that I can't go and face that humiliation of being the only single girl (and prospectively the only single person) there. Even though I know that I will go, because I don't want to miss my own debs, and I've got my dress, and it's being tailored as we speak, and I feel so beautiful, like a princess, in it...

But what's the use of feeling like a princess if there's never a chance of having a prince.....?

And a large part of me is glad that my family is away for the week, and that I am home alone, so that I can cry without trying to hide it from anyone; and so that it will be longer until the next time my mom asks me if I've got a date yet, so I don't have to lie to her and say that loads of my friends are going on their own, or tell her the only friend left who was has just got a date, and now I'm the only one going on my own, because I don't want to have to face her if she finds that out... It's bad enough with my own feelings about this, without hers adding pressure and making me feel worse...

It's so stupid.

I know that I get way too emotional about guys, way too idealistic... And nothing ever happens...

I'm 19, I've never had a boyfriend, the only time I've ever kissed a guy was a stranger in a club a year and a half ago that I didn't like and never spoke to again.

I never meet guys. I never do anything where I meet new people. I don't know what to do, how to do anything...

And him.

I had to give up. I had to. School is over; besides the debs I'm never going to see him again. I can't spend all summer pining, so I have to just not think about him at all.

He didn't come to sports day, when everyone was passing around their yearbooks. He didn't sign mine, I didn't sign his. I'm not stupid enough to think that there would have been some big crazy teen-Disney-style declaration of love or anything, but I wanted to at least have a lasting 'hi'.

I hoped I would see him a little during the exams, talk to him a little bit. But they had changed the seating arrangements from previous exams, so now neither of us had any reason to be anywhere near the other at any time. Once or twice, I passed him in a hallway. Once or twice, one of my friends said something to him in my presence. I tried to join in the conversation a little, say one or two little words. I wasn't being "quiet" or "shy", but he didn't seem to notice. Or if he did... he ignored me.

So I had to stop. I had to get him out of my head.

I know that he only bought one debs ticket. So I know that he's not taking someone from outside the school, or from a different year. While school was still on, I didn't hear tell of him bringing anyone from our class. But then again... maybe I wouldn't.

It doesn't matter anyway.

He's going off to London in September.

I would have been happy for just that one evening, but it doesn't matter now.

I don't want to be on my own.......

xxx

I Just Called To Say...

Just thought I'd pop in and say hello. I suddenly had the bright idea of downloading a blogging app for my iPod this evening (although this now means I have to password protect my iPod, since the app doesn't let me sign out when I'm done writing), so maybe I'll be blogging more often now....
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Maybe not.
iPod makes the whole thing pretty basic, you know. No italics, no bold, no underline, no colours... Not that I use them much, but sometimes....

On another note...
I'm still utterly confused about him. He's doing something new with his hair at the moment, a little something with the front. I don't know whether it's intentional or not (probably not), but I like it... :) The first tine I saw it, the last day before Easter holidays, I assumed it was missed up from sport or something, but my first thought when I saw it was damn, I want to make his hair look like that...
Something else he said in our little conversation on Monday has been going round my mind a bit... He asked me where I was going to university next year, and I said I was staying in our home city, and when I asked him where he was going he said, 'no, London.' Of course, mind is in severe debate about this sentence. Some part of me says that the 'no' part was just there because that's the way he talks, because I don't know, maybe sometimes he does. Some part of says he just didn't 100% hear/understand the question completely, and that the 'no' was refering to the fact that he was going somewhere different. Some part of me - the female-hormone-filled, time-clock-watching, romaticist part - wants to think thar the 'no' was almost unintentional/subconscious, in that we're going to be in different countries in 5 or 6 months time so no, disappointment, there's no point in starting anything... And then of course there's the part of me that tells this last part to shit the hell up and stop jinxing it, and the other part yelling 'jinx what? There's nothing there to jinx!'......

I hate not knowing things, especially things that other people do know; it's a large part of my personality.... :(

I wonder how the length of this blog compares to that of my others; 1 or 2 fingers is a lot harder and slower than 10...

So long.

xxx

Crossed arms, Open heart

Berating myself for an incident today with my current infatuation (a new one, btw).
Well, it was hardly an 'incident'.
Our teacher had given the class a 10-minute break, so we (all 6 of us) were outside enjoying the rare sunshine. The others were all sitting on the grass, while he and I were standing up, chatting [we're not "friends" friends, but we'd have a chat if we ended up in the same room :)]. I was considering sitting down, but I kind of liked the idea that we were standing, talking to each other, while the others were sitting...... *pulls face*
Anyway, I tend not to know what to do with my hands, so I had my arms crossed out of habit and was slouching a bit (I'm not that tall anyway, and overweight, so this isn't exactly the best idea for me). Every time I realized my arms were crossed I hated myself for it, because I know the kind of vibes it gives out - I'm withdrawn/protective of myself, stay away -, whether they're noticed consciously or subconsciously, and I really don't want to give this guy that message. :( But every time I tried to move them, they just ended up back crossed in front of my chest - I just never know what to do with my hands when they're by my side; I always feel so awkward, no matter how much more confident I've become in the last year or two. So I just couldn't, and I kept my arms crossed, and slouched, and I hated myself for it the whole time I was talking to him, but that was all I could do.

It's crazy, because when I first began to like this guy I felt like I was using him. I had been really into another guy before that (one of his friends, incidentally), and when that guy got a girlfriend I was trying to do everything and anything to forget about him so I wouldn't get sad. This new guy, well, for quite a while I'd been thinking that he might like me, you know, just little things (probably wishful thinking...), so I figured if I liked him, maybe I might even have a chance...
So I basically made myself like him, and I felt so bad about it at the start, knowing that if (ha!) anything ever happened, I would feel so guilty and that I was using him for my own gratification. That was about 4 months ago.
Now, of course, I've really fallen for him, and I don't know if it's because I'm paying more attention, or because there was never anything there, or because things have changed, or whatever, but my 'feeling' that he might like me has so much less grounding than before...

And now I'm so confused!
Sometimes he talks to me, just/specifically me, about random things, and sometimes he ignores me (well, not exactly 'ignores', but he doesn't single me out...), and now I'm just getting confused and frustrated but I can't do anything about it because every time I see him he just makes me smile........

Gah, I wish people, everyone, was easier to read!

xxx

A Better Place

Wow.
I acknowledge that I was in a bad place last year, but it makes me physically sick to read back over all of this and see just how bad it was. And the worst thing is, I have no idea why it was so bad...
I mean, my circumstances aren't any better this year than they were last year - if anything, you could even say they were worse. But I'm so much happier, so much healthier in myself, that I hardly recognise myself in last year's blogs. It's a good thing, for sure, but now my curious mind is divided - on the one hand, I want to forget that those things ever happened, because they make me sick to the core. On the other hand, the budding psychologist and biologist in me is desperate to know how my outlook could have changed so much, without any outside help and with my circumstances, and the catalysts that triggered the feelings before, not having changed one little bit...
Sure, I'm not sickeningly happy all the time, sure, I get a little down now and again, but it only lasts maybe a day, and it's only a little sadness... I guess you could call it "normal" sadness...
My heart is happy now.
I mean, the same negative things still apply to me - my brother's still as much... like he is... as ever; any feelings I have for a guy still go as unrequieted as ever; since that time in Italy over a year ago I haven't had any more than that one first kiss... And there are more negative things: I'm terrified about the future, about "growing up", and the future is so much closer this year than it was last year... I'm stressed about exams that will, literally, decide on the direction of my future... I'm terrified at the thought of starting university without ever having had anything close to a boyfriend, and that (if I get the course I want) I will be in classes full of mostly girls, and I know that I really have close to zero confidence when it comes to guys... And that future is only a few months away...
But I'm still feeling happy. I can't explain it.

I believe I have become more confident. I don't know when it happened, or how it happened, but I will do things now that I couldn't even dream of doing a few years ago without breaking out in a cold sweat and shouting NO!

Whatever has brought this change, well, it's a wonderful thing and I love fate for it.

I'm happy now.

Thank you.

xxx

I don't know how much longer I can take this
This hate, fear, self-loathing
Consuming me
Eating me from the inside
Everyone else with their problems
My mother being stupid and acting like a baby because she doesn't want to deal with anyone else
She thinks she's the worst off because my brother is who he is and does the things he does and she's decided she can't do anything and won't do anything about it
She doesn't know anything
She doesn't know how I feel
Nobody does
I can't relax
I can't smile
I can't be happy
I can't even cry, unless it is tears of hate for myself
Not even feeling sorry for myself when I'm watching romantic movies and knowing I'll never be like them
I can't cry then
I cry at night
Tearing at my bedclothes with my teeth
Tearing at myself with my nails
Never enough to leave a mark that will last till the moring
Stretch marks all over my legs, covering every inch of them, tell me I can't do that

Tearing bites of fat off of myself
If I could bend to reach that far
If I could

The words I am thinking say I don't recognise myself
I don't know if I do
I think I feel sick
But it's not nauseous
(I don't know how to spell that)
It's hate sickness
Pure hate
Self-loathing
I can't look at myself
I can't even think of myself
I'm tense
I can only focus on one thing

And I can't fix it

I'm trying harder than I've ever tried before
Trying things I've never tried before
Trying with more perseverence than I've ever tried before
(I don't know how to spell that either)
But nothing's working
Worse than that, it's going backwards
Anything I want
Everything I want
The opposite happens
Faster than I ever expected

Yet I'm still trying
And it's still not working
Still going backwards
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to get out of this
I'm stuck
I need help
I don't know where to get it, how to find it

Nothing is working

And yet I still try

And still, nothing works

I go on and on and on
Failing, failing, failing
Hating, hating, hating
Anger
Hate
Disgust

Fear

I don't know what to do
I feel I shall explode
Yet I know I won't
I can't
That would be too easy

If I left now -
I feel I can't leave now, without experiences
Then I remember I won't know I'll be missing anything
I won't know anything
Could I leave?

I doubt it
I would fail at that too

I fail at everything I try
I try the things that matter the most to me
I fail at them
I try things I always thought I was good at
I fail at them
I try everything
I fail at
Everything

I never succeed
I shall never succeed
I have never succeeded

I always fail
Fail
Hate
Anger

Fear

xxx